We the Particles
August 12, 2008
It's official! The Large Hadron Collider at CERN will start with the proton injections on September 10th, barring any unforeseeable complications -- in fact, they've successfully completed the first beam injection test already.
So naturally the hand-wringers and fear-mongers are kicking into high gear. Via everyone's favorite Bad Astronomer came news last week of a pending protest by a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of Hadrons (PETH) -- the same folks responsible for Mothers Against Undead Drivers (MAUD), aimed at raising the awareness of the dangers of driving while a zombie.
PETH worries about the health of the subatomic particles, in particular the hadrons of the LHC, which will zip around and around the enormous machine solely in order to be destroyed (or at least converted into energy) after colliding into conveniently placed targets. To quote group founder Tia Aumiller: "There's a limited supply of hadrons in the universe. Do we just want to go around destroying them?" Never mind the fact that these careless physicists haven't even bothered to study whether or not hadrons can feel pain. Or anything at all.Who knows the torment we could be subjecting them to, all in the name of science?
Yes, someone must think of the hadrons. And the quarks, leptons, baryons, antiparticles, even hypothetical sparticles. So with the help of Cosmic Variance's Sean Carroll, I've taken the liberty of drafting a rough outline for a Particle Bill of Rights, protecting all the subatomic particles in the Standard Model.
PARTICLE BILL OF RIGHTS
Preamble
The subatomic Particles of the Standard Model (including those yet to be discovered), having expressed a desire to prevent abuse or misconstruction of its various members, RESOLVE that the following Articles be implemented by CERN for the duration of the LHC's operation:
First Amendment
The rights of baryons to congregate into nuclei shall not be abridged. Non-baryonic dark matter shall not be coerced into interacting if it doesn't want to -- and it doesn't, unless your name is Gravity.
Second Amendment
The right of unstable Particles to decay shall not be infringed.
Third Amendment
The LHC shall not quarter any fermion in the quantum state of another. When it comes to fermions, two is definitely a crowd.
Fourth Amendment
Extra dimensions, whether large, warped, or curled up at the Planck scale, shall be protected from unreasonable search and seizure of any energy -- gravitational or otherwise -- that has seeped therein. If your collisions are missing some energy, you must first produce a specific theory (the physics equivalent of a warrant) before such a search can be initiated.
Fifth Amendment
No Particle shall be forced to reveal its quantum state without due process of physics. No Particle shall have both its position and momentum localized when under observation. Heisenberg said so. You gotta problem with that? Take it up with Werner.
Sixth Amendment
Quantum interactions that are forbidden at the classical (macroscale) level have the right to access virtual particles -- for (very) short periods of time -- without being in violation of conservation laws.
Seventh Amendment
Electroweak symmetry breaking shall not be a punishable offense; otherwise the Higgs boson will never come out of hiding and turn itself in.
Eighth Amendment
No Particle may be subjected to cruel and unusual forced interaction with its Anti-Particle against its will, thereby annihilating into energy. (Note: The legal definition of what constitutes "cruel and unusual" interactions is left deliberately vague, so that lawyers and judges of the future have something to argue about in court)
Ninth Amendment
Any interaction not explicitly prohibited by conservation laws will have a nonzero cross-section. That's a fancy way of saying that physicists can't predict everything with their models, and therefore can't completely rule out the possibility that Nature may toss them a curve ball. Should an unexpected discovery be made at the LHC, it is innocent until proven guilty of being in violation of the laws of physics via trial by jury (peer review).
Tenth Amendment
In the event that the LHC creates a strangelet, or a stable mini-black hole that ends up devouring the universe, the rights and protections outlined above shall be fully transferable into the new regime -- whatever form it may take.
That should show those LHC physicists who's boss. After all, where would they be without the humble hadron, or the quirky quark? And while we're at it, how many of the amendments in the actual Bill of Rights can you name? Check it out, along with the other Charters of Freedom in the National Archives.
Photos: (top) PETH protester. Source: BBspot.com. (bottom) The United States Bill of Rights. Source: National Archives/Wikimedia Commons.
Comments
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Very clever... Very kind harted, saving the poor hadrons...
How about the poor future citizens of Earth who might be born centuries or hundreds of centuries from now. Do you know much about the author of this plea for serious reflection and caution?
"A nightmarish situation, that can still be hoped to be averted in time through communication within the scientific community, is drawn attention to. Only a few weeks remain to find out whether the danger is real or nothing but a mirage. After this time window is closed, it will take years until we know whether or not we are doomed. The story line has all the features of a best-selling novel. The reader is asked to contribute constructively."
The quote is from Dr. Otto E. Rossler, Professor Theoretical Biochemist, visiting Professor of Theoretical Physics, inventor of the Rossler Attractor, founder of Endophysics, winner of the 2003 Chaos Award of the University of Liege and the 2003 Rene Descartes Award. Copies and links available at LHCFacts.org
Posted by: JTankers | August 13, 2008 at 12:35 AM
Great! Love it! We've been needing a Particle Bill of Rights for quite some time now.
Posted by: JoAnne | August 13, 2008 at 01:20 AM
Very funny!
Love the fifth amendment - right on target.
Seventh amendment - not broad enough.
Tenth amendment - can't agree to that one. New Universe, new rules.
Posted by: Sunny Kalara | August 13, 2008 at 01:49 AM
Nice post! I liked the fifth and tenth most.
Posted by: MushfiQ | August 13, 2008 at 03:29 AM
@JTankers I trust the particle physicists' words exponentially more than I trust a biochemist's on the risks of the Large Hadron Collider.
Oh, and I think your link is wrong - isn't it LHCFactsThatWereDisingenuouslyMadeUpToScareThePublicAboutNothing.org?
Posted by: Dave Mosher | August 13, 2008 at 09:28 AM
made me laugh
nice blog!
Posted by: Abraham Akinin | August 19, 2008 at 08:35 AM
That's not true!
Hadrons are dangerous they eat you alive!
We should destroy all of them! Off with their head..erm... quarks!
(For the record, this is as credible as faithfull NGO PETH!)
Amusingly,
Chris.
Posted by: Christian_Sciberras | October 06, 2008 at 05:41 PM