Why Are Women Unhappy?

July 09, 2009

A recent study by University of Pennsylvania researchers show that women are less happy than they were 30 years ago, and less happy overall than men -- in spite of the fact that compared to three decades ago, women have more choices and freedoms than ever. I shared this study outcome with a friend and he asked, “Who did they survey?” --implying that he thought upper middle class women, or basically women he knew, were probably not part of this study.

But the authors of the study said that the “paradox of women's declining relative well-being is found across various datasets… and is pervasive across demographic groups and industrialized countries.”

The study also showed that men used to be unhappier than women and now it’s the reverse. Why are we so unhappy?

In the few articles I’ve read that discussed this study, called "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," the authors offer their own opinion of “why” but, for the most part, freely admit they have no clue.

In the NY Times, Ross Douthat writes: “The decline of the two-parent family, for instance, is almost certainly depressing life satisfaction for the women stuck raising kids alone. But this can’t be the only explanation, since the trend toward greater female discontent cuts across lines of class and race.”

Another suggested reason for the happiness gap goes something like this: Be careful of what you wish for. “Some claimed the report was evidence that feminism had failed, that women had been pressurised into lifestyles that run counter to their biological, nurturing and egalitarian imperatives. In other words, that women were discovering that 'equality' with their male counterparts was not all it was cracked up to be,” writes Lorna Martin in the Daily Mail

I can’t accept this argument. Why would there have been such a huge feminist movement if no one really wanted it?

Elizabeth Debold argues in the Huffington Post that women are unhappy because they are free for the first time in decades, and that their many new options leave them rudderless and searching for a new identity. “Bearing children has become optional. Being a mate and mother, which has been the source of our dignity and standing in society since tribal days, is no longer an imperative. We are freed of the necessity to reproduce, liberated from our biological role, but the choices that we have won have left us unmoored. Who are we or who should we be now?”

I can wrap my head around this concept. I know that when faced with choices, I feel anxious. But once I’ve made the decision, I feel at peace.

The one explanation that probably carries the most weight is that, in spite of our vast educational and professional opportunities, new reproductive choices, and legal protections we are still responsible for the brunt of childcare/rearing and household chores even though we too work a 40 hour work week, or more. The NY Time’s Douthat discounts this theory, too, saying that recent surveys actually show similar workload patterns for men and women over all.

But this theory works for me, and the rebuttal does not. Even if men and women have similar workloads, the responsibility load is off kilter. Men, no doubt, are happier that they are no longer solely responsible for the financial well-being of their families, but have not fully signed on to fifty percent of the child or household tasks. So even if men’s workload is similar to that of women’s, their responsibilities are less than they used to be.

I can attest as a working mom that I'm frequently torn between working more hours and bringing in more money, and spending more time with my daughter. My husband does not feel the same pull.

The Daily Mail’s Martin’s argument is more inclusive (including non-working moms and non-moms) saying that the modern definition of happiness is more elusive these days. We are bombarded with images in the media of thin, beautiful, happy people who seem to achieve everything in life effortlessly. Who can be as accomplished and stunning as Angelina Jolie—and have her figure after giving birth to twins!?

“Unlike our mothers and grandmothers, so many of us have forgotten how to be thankful for what we've got and instead know only how to be resentful about what we haven't.”

Why do you think women are less happy than they were 30 years ago? Do you think our moms had it better than us? Do we have more responsibilities? Is more choice a bad thing?

Comments

[Dr. Mary Gresham]

I believe that I do understand about women's lack of happiness. The lives of women are quite stressful. They are still emotionally responsible for the well-being of their children, spouse; caretakers of their parents and sometimes of their in-laws as well.
The costs of very basic things like a place to live or a car or health care is so high that one person cannot cover it anymore. They have more responsibilities than ever and fewer choices. If they stay home, they may be the only one in their group to be at home and not have any support in addition to being financially stressed. If they work, they may have to juggle all the childcare, parent care, etc. Plus I think that they often do not get much acknowledgement or appreciation in exchange for this.

[anonymous]

if your not happy do something about it! try to be happy change your lifestyle that makes you happy while stil respecting your kids or spouse. and just because their are other women on the media and stuff shouldn't make you sad it should empower you to be happy like they are or look to be. just because they're successful with kids doesn't mean you can't be.

[anonymous]

this is dumb! each women is different from one another. some want to be housewives others business women or both. all you have to do is find which one is right for you. so rather than complaining about how your so unhappy try doing something that will make you happy. be bold and not afraid of what people will think about you.

[TryingToBeOptimisticAndFailing...]

Women are unhappy because we're constantly being told we're not good enough - not thin enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not smart enough, etc. We do everything we can to try to be positive, to meet expectations, to be everything for everyone, then beat ourselves up for little failures, until we feel utterly unable to do anything right. An inability to lose weight means we obviously don't have the discipline to succeed in other areas, or we don't deserve to succeed in other areas. Even when we try to be positive, the media, other women, or just our own demons tear us back down.

[Linda]

I believe that we have too much stress. I was a single mom with 2 kids, now I am still single taking care of my parents. I have no real life of my own. When I was working I still had lots of stress to perform more duties than one person we are expected to super people make no mistakes forbid we might be human.
Men are behind it all they get us pregrant then want us to rise their kids with little or no support financially or emotionally. Then want us to do everything for them. What are they going to do for us but give us more stress.

[Sarah]

The feminist movement gave us choice, but in doing so, almost gave us fewer options. You can't choose whether to be a career woman or a wife and mother- you're pressured to do both. You can't just marry a doctor (if that ever equated to happiness) - you have to become a doctor - then marry one on top of that!

I'm 20 and in college. When I tell people that I'd rather be a housewife, I get blank stares or disapproving looks. It shouldn't be that way if women are truly liberated and truly able to do what makes them happy.

[Anonymous]

I believe the reason women are unhappy today is due mainly to the feminist movement. Now that they have the "power" and "freedom," many are unhappy because down deep it goes against everything in their nature. Women were created to be a helper, not the leader. They were created to be moms and raise their own children. Most women want their man to be strong and a leader, but many do not wait for him to take the lead or belittle him when he makes a mistake. They strip him of his masculinity, and wonder why he takes the back seat.
If women began to encourage their men and found contentment in the home I believe our society would be much better off. If they would begin to see that their husbands and children are more important than themselves and material posessions, then I belive we would see a drastic change in our culture.
If women would go home and be the women they were created to be, then I believe they would once again be happy.