Isn't Every Day Father's Day? And, Seriously, Why is it so Hard to Plan?

June 18, 2009

I thought for Father’s Day this year I’d cook breakfast, take care of our daughter and let my husband, Tom, relax and go for a mountain bike ride with his friends. And then I thought, isn’t that what we do every weekend? Ok, I’m exaggerating a bit (but as my brother likes to say, why let the truth get in the way of a good story), but not by a lot. 

It’s not that Tom isn’t a great father and husband (because he really is), it’s just that we approach parenting in different ways. For example, when he goes away on a business trip, he doesn’t worry about Selby and how she’s doing to the same degree that I do (or did that one time I was out of town). I tend to do most of the parenting, even though we both work. It’s not that he shirks his responsibilities; it’s more that I glom on to mine, and he’s happy to let me.

I know things are way different than when our mothers were raising us, and I should be grateful for that. My dad never changed a diaper or dressed me in the morning. “He did give you a bottle, and was good at playing,” my mother tells me.

Michael Lewis writes in his new book about father hood “Home Game” that his father joked, "I didn't even talk to you until you went away to college.” He also observes that fathers in general are “in the midst of some long unhappy transition between the model of fatherhood as practiced by [his] father and some ideal model."

Traditionally Mother’s Day is marked by gift-giving (often flowers) and the relinquishing of certain traditionally female tasks such as cooking and cleaning to other members of the family as a gesture of appreciation. So if Father’s Day is a compliment to Mother’s Day, what duties should he relinquish (granted, many husbands cook and clean; mine does not), and how should you celebrate to make the day special? 

My friend Sarah said that for several years in a row her (now ex-) husband would go golfing until she finally said to him, “No. Father’s Day is about being a father, you should spend time with your sons, not your golfing buddies.” I like that concept.

And then there’s the dilemma of what to get him. When it comes to gifts, men are harder to shop for than women in general. But also Tom tends to treat himself to things he wants when he wants them: a fancy camera, a high-end mountain bike, a trip to Vegas, etc. That leaves me at a loss for something – in my price range—that I can surprise him with. Whereas, I’m much more reluctant to splurge on myself (and need/want so many things) making it much easier for him to shop for me.

In the end, we decided that I would make brunch for us and a couple of his friends, and play the afternoon by ear. I usually make the social arrangements and they’re almost always with my friends or my friends that he’s become friendly with, too. Having Stu, Mariel and their 12-month-old son Kieran over makes it special. I’m sure there will also be mountain biking.

How are you going to celebrate Father’s Day? If you need some ideas, check out TLC's Father's Day Guide.