Helping Children Through a Divorce

June 23, 2009

I was hiking with my friend Stephanie, a stand-up comic, the other day and she told me that she’s about ready to move past the “divorce” jokes in her routine (even though they got a lot of laughs) and into “dating” jokes. It’s not surprising that she got a lot of play with her divorce comedy routine – considering half of all marriages end in divorce. But divorce is really no laughing matter, especially when children are involved. 

Separating your lives and helping your children adjust is very challenging. Here’s some advice for parents from experts, and friends who’ve been there, on how to help your kids through a divorce or separation:

1) Do not keep it a secret or wait until last minute to tell them, says the Academy of Adolescent and Child Psychiatry. Be sure to tell them with your spouse at your side and keep things simple and straightforward. And, most importantly, reassure your children that you love them and you will always be their parents. Suzette Glasner-Edward, Ph.D, advises parents to present the divorce as a mutual decision as a good means of preventing the child from feeling conflicted or blaming one parent over another for the split.

2) Alicia Karspeck, who separated from her husband when her now 3-year-old twins were only 12 months, advises: “Try to do your best to preserve some sense of friendliness in the relationship as you go through the divorce. You’re going to have a relationship with this person for many years so try to exercise kindness with that in mind.” Kidshealth.org says it’s crucial that the divorcing parents maintain a civil relationship to help a child get through it.

3) Stephanie and her ex, who were married for 11 ½ years before they divorced three years ago, used a book called “It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear” to tell their then 7 and 9 year old daughters. “That book was very helpful,” she says. “It had a story to read to your children, and also included subtext for parents about what your children might be feeling.” The premise, she explained, is that a family is a like a puzzle and mommy and daddy’s pieces don’t fit together but they will always fit with yours. (She says that her younger daughter, unfortunately, yelled across the school playground the following day, “Hey, my parents are getting a divorce because their puzzle pieces don’t fit together anymore!”)

4) Dr. Glasner-Edwards advises parents to lead by example. “No matter how angry you might be with your partner, remember that one of the only ways that you can influence your child’s reaction through the divorce is through modeling,” she says. “To help your child to accept the decision, both parents need to model their own mutual acceptance of the outcome.” For example, if your child expresses anger towards you or your ex, don’t allow this to be a trigger to start blaming one another. Just listen and express your understanding of your child’s feelings without taking sides.

5) One of the main concerns for kids during a divorce is about their schedule, says Stephanie. “If the parental bond is broken, kids fear – what about me? Who will pick me up at school?” Kidshealth.org says that consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort, and that familiarity can help during this major change. “When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.” Stephanie says to assure your children that your bond with them will never be broken and that you will make sure all their schedules are handled.

6) Create an environment where your children feel comfortable talking about their feelings or asking questions, says Dr. Glasner-Edwards -- even though it might be painful for you to hear. “Listen attentively to whatever your child says, and remind your child that it is okay and perfectly normal to have upset feelings,” she says. “Remind your child that you both still love him or her, and that you will be there to listen and help them to adjust to the new situation one step at a time.”

7) From a practical standpoint, if possible, try to stay near your spouse, says Stephanie. “That really helps, especially in the beginning. Our girls can ride their bikes between my house and their dad’s. It’s nice for them.”

Studies show that most children adapt well. But the impact of divorce is different for every child. To protect your child, talk openly and frequently with them about their feelings concerning the divorce, and remain tuned in to their process of adjustment as well as your own so that you can promptly seek professional counseling for yourself or your child when it is needed. 

Have you gone through a divorce? How did you help your kids through the process? How did you help yourself?

Comments

[Becky]

Ok folks, enough bashing of TLC and J&K. I am a parent of two wonderful sons and have recently gone through a divorce. My four year old is going through a very difficult time and has extreme tantrums when he leaves his father (after 1-2 days of visitation). I was hoping to get some insight on what he is going through and how, as a parent, I am supposed to help him through these rough times. Do I sit back and let him scream, yell and blame me for this, or do I tell him that he doesn't talk to mama like that. If anyone can help, I would really appreciate it! Thank you so much!

[Generic Viagra]

Hi, I think your article its very important and interesting,good work, thanks for sharing!! Have a nice day!

[howie]

Good Lord this is sick considering the fact that you have a family on your program going through this right now. Has TLC gone mad? This show should have been cancelled, or at least postponed for a oeriod of time for the childrens sake, as i don't care about the two parents at all. TLC has nothing good to tape about this family that would want me to watch. I think J and K are two mentally disturbed people to even play along with this charade as long as they did. Ugh, TLC and Jon and Kate are mentally disturbed!

[Lori Hackett]

Divorce is never easy, but sometimes is necessary. The Gosselin's marriage was unhealthy from the get go. If you listen carefully, Kate was a steam engine pulling Jon thru life. She decided when to see a fertility specialist, she decided they needed 'one more' and even when Jon voiced his concerns about continuing on with the show, she disregarded his concerns. Week after week she bashed him with verbal assaults mixed with eye rolling and other disparaging actions.
Did Jon have a choice? Yes. Should he have exercised his right to say 'no' and to stand up for himself? A resounding yes. But like many abused spouses, he was like the frog in the tepid water, unaware he was about to be boiled to death.
Kate was not putting the needs, wishes and concerns of Jon first, and Jon, for whatever reason, let her run with it.
Perhaps if they had proper counseling early in their marriage they may have had a chance, but the show did not 'end their marriage'. They did it all on their own.

[bob]

bold ideas

[bob]

hey i think that is a good idea keep up the good work
bob

[Gram123]

I cannot believe that TLC would even include this article on their website.
You, along with the parents of the Gosselin children, are the very reason these eight chilren have been exploited for the past 2-3 years.
And you have the nerve to post an article on divorce?
I find this disgusting and immoral on your part and all the sponsors that have contributed to destroying these children.
I am a mother and grandmother and decided several months ago, to never watch any of your programs again.
Sadly, TLC and Discovery have been my favorite channels, but no longer will I play a part of Child Exploitation.I have given up my favorite shows, Animal Planet,What Not To Wear,LPBW, and several other of your programs.
I also am playing a big part in boycotting all of your sponsors that take part in the Jon And Kate Plus Eight show, and will continue to do so, until this show is taken off the air.

[Ashlee]

Everyone is going crazy over this, canceling TLC and what not, I love TLC, and I am saddened about JK, but I think that they can still make their own decisions and if they wanted to cancel the show, they probably could.

[P Sipes]

I am a 33-year old mother of a 5-year-old with a household income of $45,000. I used to watch much of the TLC programming, especially the "Ready, Set, Learn" line-up with my daughter (her stuffed "Paz," purchased at a Discovery store, is still one of her favorite buddies.)

After all that has come to light about this show, and as TLC has shown resistance to calls to cancel the show, I have now contacted the sponsoring and affiliated businesses that I currently do business with - Geico, AT&T, and Time Warner (my cable provider) - and have voiced my wish that they discontinue their relations with TLC and Discovery networks. I have begun shopping around for alternative companies to do business with in the event that these companies continue to be associated with TLC/"Jon & Kate." If they want to keep my business they must pull their support and sponsorship of the show.

I am considering doing this for other disturbingly similar shows, although they are not all TLC shows. I am extremely disturbed by the trend of shows that exploit small children and I consider "Jon & Kate" to be at the forefront of this. Because of the media attention I think that my "voice" joined by many others may have a chance to make an important impact.

TLC needs to do the right thing and cease production and airing of this show. They need to get back to programming that is beneficial to children and parents rather than exploiting them and perpetuating a culture of greed.

[Barb b]

"Create an environment where your children feel comfortable talking about their feelings or asking questions" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! TLC you've created a real comfortable environment for these poor innocent kids. Not only has every tantrum, private moment, sickness and potty training been televised for the world to see, now they will have to go through this painful experience of divorce while the cameras of TLC are documenting their lives and future 'memories'. IN OUR FAMILY TLC WILL BE OFF LIMITS. Yes, I will miss "What not to Wear" and "Say Yes to the Dress". Two of my fav. shows, but I'm doing this for the kids You take their show off, and I'll be back.

[Alicia]

Disgusted to see this article from you.

I am going to do everything I can over the next few weeks to make sure no one I know or come in contact with has anything to do with TLC again.

Shame on you.

[Rocky Balboa]

Do you advise having your divorcing parents make the process into a TV series for profit? Get real and keep the Gosselin family off the TV!

[heather]

this is disgusting! first becuz of the whole gosselin thing and secound non of this advice works for kids. im 14. my parents are divorced.they got divorced when i was 8, my brother was 11, and my other brother 5. my dad is remarried. my mom is dating. KIDS DONT WANNA HEAR THIS STUFF! it bothered me more that they said to me its okay to feel upset. and mommy and daddy love u but not each other. and kids ARE NOT worried about schedule they're worried about step moms and dads. I LOVE MY STEP MOM i do not like my step brother I HATE MY MOMS BOYFRIEND but i love his kids. kids are worried about new parents(steps) and new siblings(halfs and steps) I was a hapy go lucky kid b4 the divorce and now im scared for life...

[JB]

TLC, you have lost me as a network viewer with this Jon & Kate thing. To post this "helpful" divorce blog soon after allowing parents of young children to announce their separation/divorce/whatever it is today on national television is disgusting. And to hint that the series might continue??!?? Incredible. I will no longer watch your network, & I am letting your advertisers know this too. I feel like my intelligence has been insulted.

[Linda]

Please tell me this is just a sick coincidence and not a result of the horrible situation the Gosselin children were put in due to the greed of their parents and TLC. Interesting timing. Shame on you Eileen O'Neill.

[Grace]

I don't think TLC is in any position to say what the correct methods of dealing with divorce are, considering it had a hand in driving a family systematically into one. This is a slap in the face and an insult. I've been through divorce with selfish parents much like Jon and Kate who only care about their interests, the limelight, and money. This sickens me. I'll be calling my cable provider. No more Discovery and it's affiliated channels in my house.

[Mary G]

TLC why are your further exploiting the Gosselin children by posting this article on your web site? Have you no shame?
Please cancel Jon & Kate Plus 8. Give those innocent children the opportunity to grieve the breakdown of their family in private.

[Kristine Steakley]

I've written a book about divorce from the kids' perspective, using my own story of growing up with divorced parents and the stories of a number of others whose parents divorced at various stages of the kids' lives. The book is called "Child of Divorce, Child of God" (InterVarsity Press, 2008) and is available at major retailers. If you're looking for a good resource to understand what your kids are going through and how to help them through it, I encourage you to pick up a copy. The book is written for adults whose parents are divorced, no matter what age the kids were when that happened, but I've talked with a number of parents and stepparents who tell me it was very helpful for them in the whole process as well.

[kristy stauffer]

divorce is hard i know but it is never easy when people don't understand i been threw a divorce a bitter un happy divorce . i thought i will never love again i thought i will never be affectionate again and i thought my life was ruined . the first step in to recovery from a divorce is to get counsiling and therapy.

losing a love one to death is one thing but to lose one from a divorce is hard to deal with your mind thinks you are rejected and the emotional heart ach one feels is even harder , try not to keep the kids out of the loop let them know to a degree let them know that mom and dad still loves them but you will have to travel to see mommie more or daddie more. i told my kids when we went threw a divorce me and my ex spouce is thatwe love you but mom and dad are not compatable and we are friends it was never your fault it was me and daddy and we love you no matter what.

we all know it is hard on kids but harping over it will make things worse. try and get help and move on at your own speed it will work it's self out at the end.