Naked Man Steals Socks at Walmart

02/22/2012

Reblog

It's a very common nightmare.

There you are, naked as the day you were born, in a very public place with everyone staring at you.

In Exton, Pennsylvania, Verdon Lamont Taylor lived that nightmare when he found himself wide awake in a Walmart with not a stitch of clothing on his person.

But the 6'4", 300-pound man didn't just wallow in embarrassment. He did something about it.

He shoplifted a pair of socks and calmly put them on his feet, in what we can only imagine was a first step in his re-dressing process.

But police saw it differently, as the facts presented themselves and ruined our “waking nightmare” theory of the events.

Witnesses reported that Verdon had very methodically and deliberately stripped off all his clothes in the parking lot.

Also, he didn't seem relieved to see the authorities and accept their help in covering up (literally, not in the criminal sense) an embarrassing situation.

In fact, Mr. Taylor was so unhappy to see them that they had to use a stun gun to subdue him after he refused to comply with officers' orders.

Taylor was arraigned on charges including aggravated assault and indecent exposure. He's being held on $50,000 bail.

We can only hope, keeping in mind the viral emails spotlighting the physical conditioning of some shoppers in these retail establishments, that naked shoplifting does not become the hot craze of 2012.

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Can I Trade This Crack for a Lap Dance?

02/21/2012

Reblog

At the XTC Men's Club in East Austin, Texas the answer is a resounding “No.”

It was the magical hour of 4 a.m. on a Sunday morning when Ricardo Luna attempted to buy a lap dance using drugs and was unceremoniously escorted out of the club.

It certainly can be argued that no one does his best thinking under the influence of crack cocaine at 4 a.m., but Ricardo's journey was remarkable by any standard of inebriation.

In almost no time at all, he went from dumb to ignorant to abusive to assaultive to jail.

He managed to kick a security guard on his way out of XTC. Once police arrived, Luna made several racial slurs toward the deputies.

He refused to enter a patrol vehicle until he was threatened with a Taser, and when he finally did get in ... he kicked the door from the inside.

Even with his legs secured, he managed to spit blood and saliva all over the deputies, and beat his head against the cage inside the vehicle before (mercifully) passing out prior to his arrival at Central Booking.

In gentler times Mr. Luna might have been described as “full of vim and vinegar.”

These times see him full of criminal charges, including various narcotic violations, retaliation and resisting arrest. He remains in custody on $45,000 bail.

Liberal, conservative or other, can we all agree that America is not ready for Ricardo's one-man “Crack as Currency” movement?

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The Case of the Kidnapped Panties

02/20/2012

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The very first panty raid occurred at Augustana College on February 25, 1948, and the craze swept the country for a few years before losing its grip and wearing thin.

Here at Stupid Criminals Headquarters, we have detected a revival of sorts.

For the third time in less than two months, we have a case of pilfered panties, this time with an uncomfortable twist, so to speak.

In Baltimore, 35-year-old Manuel Loja allegedly broke into a woman's home, stealing her thong, a gold necklace, some cash, and other items.

But it seems it was the lifted lingerie that Loja longed for.

As if to prove that the hostage apparel had not been harmed in any way, he texted pictures of the ill-gotten undies to his victim's phone.

According to police, “The woman started getting taunting text messages and pictures of her underwear, and then she realized she knew the person who was sending her the text messages.”

Knew indeed. In fact, it turns out that Manuel had given her some of the jewelry he took back.

As to exactly what sort of taunts were involved, we can't say for sure, but here is the winner of our in-office “Guess the Panty Taunt” contest (with apologies to The Four Tops):

“Well, it's the same old thong, but with a different owner since you've been gone!”

It's not clear if a ransom was involved, but the woman arranged to meet the man to get some of the items back.

Perhaps under the intoxicating power of the thong, Mr. Loja never figured on her bringing the police with her.

She did, and he faces counts of burglary, theft and destruction of property.

Unbunch Your Panties for the Full Story

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Mom Punches Son at Anger Management Class

02/17/2012

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Our early nominee for “Worst Mother of 2012” is a Kentucky mom named Misty who describes herself, quite ironically, as “a professional baby maker.”

(Or maybe that's not so much ironic as explanatory.)

Our pro procreator has been in trouble in the past for leaving two of her creations in the back seat of her car while she got her picture taken with her man, Derek. She was arrested and released for that.

But last week Misty Lawson outdid herself.

Provoked when her little one called her that well known b-word (and with a counselor standing right beside her), she punched her 10-year-old son in the face and body several times during an in-home, state-mandated class aimed at curbing her anger.

The lad was left with a knuckle-shaped imprint on his face.

(As an aside, if taunting by one's child is part of the anger management test process, we suggest a change in the curriculum.)

Lawson, apparently no less angered by taking the course, has taken the offensive by explaining herself on her MySpace account:

“I am a good person but a lil rough around da edges. I have a hot temper wit a short fuse.”

These new hot temper/short fuse charges will be added to Misty's track record, which includes possession of stolen property, marijuana possession, menacing, resisting arrest and contempt of court.

We suggest that anyone lucky enough to have a good mother still in his or her life, give mom a great big hug tonight.

Give the Full Story a Good Smack

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Visitor Brings Pot to Detention Center

02/16/2012

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At least the young man started out as a visitor.

Like any good bud would do, 19-year-old Devante Saxton stopped by River Valley Juvenile Detention Center in Joliet, Illinois to offer support to his friend who was detained there.

Well, support and a little recreation time in the form of what singer John Prine once called “an illegal smile.”

Maybe Devante figured that a detention center was a sort of baby prison, with playtime guidelines instead of inmate rules.

Whatever was going on inside his alleged brain, he didn't count on the security check.

(In all honesty, who would expect that a quasi-prison would be so strict about what was brought inside? Oh, that's right … everyone but Devante.)

Once he got there, though, there was little he could do to hide his intentions. So, it seems he just resigned himself to his fate.

As authorities reported it, he “removed five bags of cannabis from his jacket and placed them in a bin to be scanned by the metal detector.”

And although no metal was detected, a deputy was called to the center and arrested Saxton on a marijuana possession charge.

Given his adult legal status, there should be no confusion about the rules in the event that he ends up in big boy prison.

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Photo: Doug Menuez/Getty Images

 

Robbers Leave Money, Take Pizza

02/15/2012

Reblog

In The Godfather, hitman Pete Clemenza famously says to his partner, “Leave the gun; take the cannoli.”

In Spokane, a modern-day Bonnie & Clyde took a page from Pete's crime book when they robbed a Domino's delivery man.

They didn't want any of his money.

They did help themselves to four of the five pizzas he was in the process of delivering, however.

(So, in yet another homage to a famous criminal [that's four, if you're counting], this time Robin Hood, they even left one pizza for the folks who ordered it.)

The pair employed a rather primitive method of operation. One that might well have been used as far back as the days of the Neanderthal.

The male made slashing motions toward the delivery person with a knife, while he and the female grabbed the four pizzas and ran to a nearby cave … sorry … to a nearby apartment complex.

Police say they've arrested a 15-year-old girl for investigation of first-degree robbery. They're still looking for the man, who may be out hunting and gathering at the local McDonalds or Burger King.

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Sister Posts Fake Obit for Brother

02/14/2012

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As fans of Investigation Discovery, we see all kinds of murder plots. But this is a little different.

Actually a lot different.

The difference lies mainly in the fact that the deceased in question, Edgar Balderrama, was not truly deceased. Not even a little bit.

For reasons that no one has been able to discern so far, Edgar's sister posted his obituary in the local newspaper. (Our theory: She's just one of those people who hates to put things off.)

To add insult to her report of his eternal rest, she got his first name wrong, calling him “Edward” in the premature announcement.

But all the rest of the information in the announcement made it clear that it was Edgar who had gone to his final reward.

His wife saw the article, which proclaimed to the world that the man she had just kissed and sent off to work that morning had died two weeks before. Right away she smelled a rat.

So Mrs. Balderrama called the paper and discovered the culprit.

But it was too late to get the good news of her still-living husband out to everyone. So many of Edgar's grieving family and friends showed up at his house to pay their respects.

We imagine that it's quite a shock to be greeted at the door by the recently departed, and thanked for remembering him fondly.

To her credit, the sister was generous in her pretend grief, calling Edgar “a hard worker” gifted with “a great sense of humor,” (which will now be tested).

Just the same, police charged her with harassment.

Pay Your Respects to the Full Story

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Photo: Keith Goldstein/Getty Images

 

Catwoman Sprays Ozzy Osbourne (as Alien Observes)

02/13/2012

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It's just a fact of life.

Every day in Los Angeles, characters who are mostly fictional everywhere else in the world walk the sidewalks of Hollywood Boulevard as real as any of us.

On this particular day, Catwoman (who requested to be referred to only by that name) felt she was being harassed as she posed for pictures with passing tourists for their kind donations.

She reported that “the pirate and alien pushed and bumped” her all day long.

(It seems that the understandably shaken feline temptress had mistaken the pretend Ozzy Osbourne character for a pretend Captain Jack Sparrow character.)

Finally, she had had enough.

But naturally, like any superhero would do, she put the villains on notice, proclaiming, “I'm giving you fair warning. If you do not get away from me I will spray you in the face.”

Then she unleashed the pepper spray (What? You thought she would spray like a real cat?) on the Ozzy-like creature.

The victim was not on the scene when police arrived, and no one was taken into custody.

It's an unrelated thought, but we wonder if the Hollywood Boulevard Superman and the Hollywood Boulevard Clark Kent take pains never to stroll the streets at the same time.

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Photo: Thinkstock

Suspect Admits to Driving With “Big Boobies”

02/10/2012

Reblog

But that's all!

In Port St. Lucie, Florida, Maureen Raymond was approached by police for driving above the speed limit and swerving over the double yellow line.

But Maureen was ready for them.

Almost as if she had kept her strategy under wraps all these years, she felt she had a perfectly understandable point about the usual DUI investigation process.

What point, exactly?

Well, she refused to perform a field sobriety test because she claimed her big breasts would get in the way.

To be specific, she replied to the request with this statement:

“Hell no, not with these ... not with [my] big boobies!”

To underscore her point, when asked if she had any injuries Maureen simply stated that she had whiplash ... and big breasts.

She then told the deputy she would perform the task if he held her hand. He declined.

Next, as Exhibits A and B (please add your cup-size joke here) in her defense, Ms. Raymond tried to take off her shirt to show the deputies first hand that, indeed, she had big boobs.

But before she could release the evidence, the buxom boozer ended up getting arrested and was charged with DUI.

In all honesty, we fail to see how large breasts would impair a drunk driving field sobriety test, unless Florida has instituted a trampoline component of which we are unaware.

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Naked Burglar Was Smeared in Peanut Butter, Chocolate

02/09/2012

Reblog

Here we have the delectable, yet disturbing case of Andrew Toothman, who might go down in the annals of crime as “The Human Reese's Cup.”

He broke into a Neon, Kentucky supermarket, but took no money.

Nor did he head for the expensive meat aisle or explore the depths of the lobster tank.

No, Andrew had an entirely different agenda in mind.

Police called to the scene found Mr. (we'll guess his prison nickname will be “Sweet”) Toothman fully naked except for a pair of black boots.

Oh, and one more thing ... as the arresting officer noted, he had “peanut butter and chocolate smeared all over his person.”

So far we have no explanation for this bizarre instance of breaking and slathering (but we sure can't wait to hear one).

We can report that Toothman did express regret, however.

And once again he did that in an unusual fashion … by spelling out “Sorry” in Nyquil cold medication on the supermarket floor.

He was charged with indecent exposure, burglary and criminal mischief, and is being held at the local county jail on $25,000 bond.

Treat Yourself to the Full Story

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Photo: Thinkstock