Janelle Brown: Embracing Change
02/21/2013Janelle Brown of Sister Wives is Kody's second wife. Follow along on her journey forward to weight loss and a healthier lifestyle.
I weighed in a couple of days ago. And while I should be ecstatic, instead I seem to be having some sort of emotional hiccup. You see, I am now officially at my lowest weight in almost two decades. My children do not remember me being any smaller than I am right now. But despite that, I am feeling something that seems like anxiety. It isn’t really of course, but suddenly it feels like the rules for my life have changed. I had come to terms with life at my previous size and I am no longer at that place. I feel a whole new world beginning to open up.
Oddly enough I started the next step of my journey with a body image crisis. Nothing in my closet fits well anymore and the new clothes I try on look terrible. All of a sudden, the parts of my body that gave me a sense of satisfaction because they had changed so much were ugly and in need of so much improvement. It seemed so opposite of how I should be feeling. After some contemplation, I realized that I was actually considering my physical appearance in my assessment before I walked out the door. For many years I have just given my physical appearance a quick glance: clothes clean – check, clothes match – check, nothing too tight – check. Just the basics. But I realized I am now actually seeing my physical self. It is a hard thing because I am still so far from my end goal. I’m still not sure if this new awareness is a blessing or a curse. Most days I am back in a positive place because I am aware of how hard I am working to continue to change thing, but some days it is still a hell of a thing.
Besides the body image crisis, I’ve been experiencing an inability to continue to visualize myself as a thinner person. This current size is as far the memory databanks easily recall. I don’t know how I’ll look or feel as I get smaller than I am now. I’m sure it will be great. But when I look forward I don’t see anything. There is no visualization. I no longer know exactly where this transformation is going. My fitness mentor tells me that I should be excited; this is part of the adventure, the part where it really gets interesting. But it is unnerving for me, the woman who likes to make multiple contingency plans.
I do know that I no longer define my life by what I physically cannot do and my future has begun to hold richer possibilities than I ever imagined. This is gigantic for me. I now consider doing whatever physical activity I want to do, trusting that I can accomplish it. If I wanted to train for a 5K or even develop the strength to rock climb I could. I am the same person – just with a different confidence level.