Wedding Webiquette

04/23/2010

You just got engaged -- in fact, he's still on bended knee -- and your first thought is, "I have to update my relationship status on Facebook!" Days later, you're still glowing, but your brow is furrowed. Someone just wrote "Am I invited to the wedding?" on your wall.

Well, no. She's not invited. Facebook friends aren't really "friends" in the true sense of the word. Your co-workers might be on your friends list -- maybe even your college roommate's ex-boyfriend's best friend's sister. You probably have a few hundred Facebook friends. Of these, we'll wager maybe 30 (give or take) will be invited to your wedding. Not everyone will be earnestly waiting by the mailbox for your save-the-date card. The majority will just appreciate the news and have no expectations for an invite.

Technology makes our friends more accessible, and it makes communication simpler. However, technology can also make communication less personal. For those who are near and dear (read: the people who will be invited to your wedding), it's worth taking the time to share news of your engagement through a phone call or handwritten note. Don't send a blast e-mail, and certainly don't say it through a coy Facebook status update.

Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt never had to worry about the Internet when they wrote their definitive guides to etiquette. But manners maven Martha Stewart stays au courant with technology, and her team of experts recently weighed in with some guidelines for the bride with a Facebook account. Blogger Talley Sue Hohlfeld remarked, "Here's the etiquette rule at play -- and it's a biggie: It’s rude to talk about a social event in front of someone who is not invited but has reason to think they might have been."

We've already established that most of your Facebook friends (the ones with social grace) will get it. "Oh," they'll think, "how nice for her." But they won't think it's so nice if you bombard them with status updates about your big stationery printing dilemma (thermography or lithography?). If you're going to post status updates on Facebook, Hohlfeld recommends changing your privacy settings so only certain people can see them. And when you do post an update, prepare yourself for the inevitable critiques and recommendations that even close friends with good intentions are bound to offer!

We'd also advise that you treat any online forum or correspondence like an actual conversation among friends. Take technology out of the equation, and ask yourself if you'd utter that comment aloud. What you wouldn't say to a slow-to-get-her-dress-altered-bridesmaid's face, for instance, you might write in a curt text message or blurt on Facebook. You also know better than to gush about how much you "loooooooooove [insert fiance's name here] and can't wait to marry him!!!" so don't do it online, either.

Stay classy, brides. And if your Facebook friend won't relent about her invitation, send her a private message. As you'd explain in a face-to-face conversation, sweetly say that the wedding is going to be a family celebration with just a few close friends -- you'll be sure to post a few pictures of the event for her to see, though.

What do you think is the ultimate faux pas when it comes to weddings and technology? Where do you draw the line between an update and over-sharing? Leave your comments below, and stay connected with us on Facebook and Twitter. And after tonight's premiere of "Say Yes to the Dress," be sure to enter the Perfect Day Giveaway. Best of luck to all our brides!

This is one way to announce your engagement, though we don't condone it. (Credit: iStockphoto.com/jhorrocks)

Modern Brides Take on Family Traditions (and Opinions)

11/20/2009

During the pre-appointment staff meeting, sales directors Joan and Nicole remind the consultants to support the brides in their gown selections while simultaneously trying to get their families onboard with their decisions. As the show goes on, I realize how useful this advice will be.

Susan is breaking with family tradition by not wearing her great-grandmother’s wedding dress. The dress has been worn by more than six people in her family and is 40 years old. However, she knows it doesn’t fit her modern style.

When her family heard the news, her mother Lou, aunt Sue and sister Jey flew from Georgia to New York City for an intervention. (Hmm, aren’t interventions usually saved for extremely inappropriate or illegal behavior?)

Susan tells Keasha she wants to look sexy, elegant, chic and fashion forward … and stay under $4,000. She’s getting married in Mexico, which is another family shocker, since all the other girls have wed in Nashville, Tenn.

Across the floor, Dianne is meeting bride Tiffany, who’s shown up with six people,including her mother, two sisters, two future sister-in-laws and future mother-in-law. Tiffany’s mother, Nancy, really wanted the wedding gown shopping experience to be between the two of them, but it’s not to be, much to her chagrin. I may need popcorn to see how this drama plays out.

Tiffany wanted everyone included, because she’s looking for a diversity of opinions. I’m not sure if she realizes that a) she’s not sending troops off to war and b) too many opinions is like having too many ants. It’s annoying and spoils the picnic.

Tiffany wants a dress with a sweetheart neckline and off-the-shoulder sleeves, since she feels her shoulders are too broad. Her mother, Nancy, envisions chiffon cascading down, while her sister Jennifer wants form-fitting and tight. Her other sister, Lori, would like “bling” in her veil or even a tiara. 2004 called -- they’d like the word bling back. Regardless of everyone’s wants, Tiffany’s budget is $2,500.

Keasha calls on fashion director Randy to help her find the perfect dress to reconcile the bride’s contemporary tastes with her family’s more conservative sensibilities. The first dress Susan tries on looks stunning on her. She is clearly excited and says she doesn’t want to take it off. When she walks out to show her family, I can hear the crickets chirping. LOL

Her mother, Lou, is surprised by Susan’s reaction to the gown. “I’ve never seen her look not only happy, but she glowed,” she says. However, she still wants Susan to wear a more traditional wedding gown. (I learn that in the South, when you don’t like something, you say, “How lovely.” How polite.) Dress No. 1 is labeled “lovely” by the family and Susan returns to the dressing room to try on yet another dress.

When Tiffany comes out in the first gown, the groom’s sister, Dianna, cuts Nancy off to offer her opinion. Apparently she’s not “wowed.” The group continues to offer their collective opinions while her mother looks miserable. “It would’ve been nice if Tiff had turned around and looked at me first and asked me what I thought. But she’s marrying into a family and she’s going to look to everyone,” says Nancy. Huh? What does that mean?

The second dress Susan tries on is more traditional and conventional. “She did not carry herself as well as she did with the first dress,” concedes her mother. Susan thinks the gown is “lovely” and “too sweet.” Randy asks if she wants to be sexier; when Susan says yes, the look on her mother’s face is priceless. I laugh as Randy says, “I saw women fainting on the couches behind me. I thought I was going to need my smelling salts.” According to Lou, “The way we were brought up, you didn’t put the word “sexy” along with a wedding dress.”  A certain part of me wishes more people were like Lou, with a strong sense of what constitutes inappropriate behavior, but I digress.

Downstairs, Suzanne is in for her first fitting along with her mother, grandmother and future mother-in-law. She’s only met Joyce twice before, so she’s trying to get to know her. While they wait for Suzanne to come out, Joyce thanks the family for including her.

While Tiffany tries on the second gown, consultant Dianne notices that Nancy is taking notes like a stenographer. Tiffany is irritated by her mother’s note-taking and wants her to engage in the process more. Nancy explains that she’s taking notes so that when Tiffany asks her opinion later, she has extensive notes to show her. HUH?!

The third gown Susan tries on mixes traditional and modern elements and has a long, flowing chiffon bottom. She says it makes her think of Ginger Rogers, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing in her eyes. Her mom agrees that it is too “ballgowny” for a wedding.

Susan asks to try on the first dress again. “I can’t stop smiling when I have it on,” she says. Apparently, her family needed to convince them that this was THE dress to see Susan with an updo and a veil.

Downstairs Suzanne is revealing her gown to her future mother-in-law for the first time. Joyce thinks the gown and Suzanne look beautiful. Alterations manager Vera checks in to make sure everything is OK and asks Suzanne what jewelry she’ll wear. Suzanne doesn’t want to wear any, but Joyce takes matters into her own hands and goes to find her a necklace. After trying the pearl necklace on, Suzanne realizes it looks great and isn’t “too much with the dress.” Joyce asks if she will accept it as a gift, which leaves Suzanne surprised and touched by the kind gesture.

Tiffany is trying on dress No. 3 and wondering why her mother has been uncharacteristically quiet. Dianne attempts to engage Nancy by soliciting her opinion, but Nancy wants no parts of it. While Tiffany and the rest of the group love the third dress, Nancy is decidedly not feeling it.

I have no idea what family dynamics are playing out, but I do find it inappropriate when sister-in-law Dianna openly discounts Nancy’s opinion as not counting. Despite her mother being against her getting the gown Tiffany decides to say yes to the dress.

On her wedding day, Suzanne looks radiant.