Today's Agenda? You Tell Me.

11/17/2009

Is there a more humbling job than parenthood?  If there is, I don’t want to know about it.  I’ve never felt so “all thumbs” at any other job that I’ve held.  If I were as clueless in my career as I can be raising my kids, I’d have been fired long ago.  I can’t imagine that I’m the only parent that feels this way, but I’m finding parenting to be remarkably more difficult as my kids get older.  Making the simplest of changes throws me for a loop.  What happened to my maternal instinct?  It seems like it went out the door with nice skin and the ability to stay awake past 9 PM.  How can this be so hard? 

I enjoy wearing the many hats of parenthood - caregiver, provider, cook, teacher, disciplinarian, boss, friend.  The list is long and varied.  But there is one hat that I am so tired of wearing - and it’s a hat that has never fit me well.  I’m speaking, of course, of the dreaded  ‘cruise director‘.  What do I need to do to have this task removed from my job description?  I’m not even very good at it!  A day off or a long weekend leaves me in a cold sweat.  Let’s not even talk about the numerous school-year vacations or the 8+ long weeks of summer.  Actually, I’m not even looking to wipe this task off of my slate completely; all I’m really looking for is a little input, a little active participation.  I don’t feel for a minute that with a teenager and an almost teenager, that this should still all be on my head..  I think I’ve done my part and in the entertainment department and would like to pass this responsibility on to them.  They have opinions on most everything else that goes on.  Now is the time for them to take part in this aspect of our family life.  As things stand now, I’m the one ponying up for all of the gas, doing all the driving and paying for everything.  And I’m supposed to come up with the plan too?  Why do kids expect to be treated like visiting dignitaries, being escorted around to one fun-filled event after another?  Is it too much to ask that someone else comes up with an idea once in a while?  When do I get to ask “What are we going to do today?”

At our house, the scene goes something like this.  One of the kids will approach us asking what our plans are for the weekend or upcoming day off/vacation.  This question gets double results.  It makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and it brings forth the other child, who appears seemingly out of nowhere.  It’s obvious they must both be present during these conversations so that they can vote against each other.  If one says yes, the other must say no, regardless of whether they would like to do whatever is planned. Clearly there’s an unwritten code somewhere stating this must be the way between siblings.   (Interestingly, I don’t remember my brothers or I ever knowing about this code when we were growing up.  This one must have come out around the same time as the ‘new math’.)  So, one says “yes“, the other “no“, I push the issue one way or the other and one gloomily relents - but there’s no way they’re going to be happy about it.  Or, they both say “no” and I’m left feeling exasperated and wondering why this bothers me so much, why I take this so personally.  When the day arrives and there’s no plan, I can count the minutes until I’ll hear another of my favorite sayings, “I’m bored”.   Know what guys?  Me too.  We need to regroup.

To be fair, when really pushed, they will come up with an idea.  We each have our own default suggestions, none of which are any good.  O’s is “let’s go into Boston”, which is his code for ‘let’s go to Faneuil Hall so I can get a corn dog’, which, frankly, is not that exciting.  MJ, who is usually the more flexible participant, will not, under any circumstances, go to a museum, or anywhere that you just ‘walk around and look at stuff that you can’t touch.’ So, it’s tricky.  But I’m sure there was a time when we all liked doing the same things.  I think that period is known as ’they were too young to protest the things that I wanted  to do‘, a wonderful, but distant time in our history.   When they ask me for my suggestions, I usually suggest a visit to the Gardner Museum or the Boston Athenaeum - things I’ve wanted to do for the longest time!  But those never get the green light.  They don’t even get one vote, not even from Wes, who usually says yes to everything!  And we’re back where we started, at home, looking at each other. 

Something needs to change, but what?  And how?  How can I convince them that I no longer feel that I should  be orchestrating their free time?  Believe me, I think that I’ve made my thoughts on this pretty crystal clear.  But we continue on, stuck in this ineffectual rut.  And is it me that needs to change - or them?  I’d say all of us.  I see no reason that they can’t provide some input and be more open to other ideas.  And I probably should stop jumping through hoops to try to make them both happy.  But change can be slow to come and I need some instant results.   Any ideas?  Christmas break is fast approaching!