How about a little respect?

05/27/2009

Like most of us, I sometimes find myself trying to figure out human beings and our relationships with one another.  It’s never an easy task.  There are too many variables to sort through.  We are all so very different from one another and need different things from different people at different times in our lives.  And there are so many types of relationships to consider – we are family members, spouses, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and strangers. 

 

Relationships are hard and should really only be of concern to the people who share them.  But we all must live amongst each other with some modicum of civility and like it or not, our public behaviors and interactions are out there and open for discussion.

 

While I do try hard to not let other people’s behavior upset me – especially when it isn’t aimed at me – there are times when find myself stewing over something that seemingly doesn’t concern me.  But the exchange I witnessed recently does concern me, mainly because I know that it’s an indicator of a huge problem that is no longer coming, but is already here.  And I am truly afraid of the consequences.

 

Last week, I stopped by our local convenience store in the center of town to run in for a quick errand.  I was on the porch, looking at the beautiful hanging flower pots that they had just put out for sale.  From the front of the porch, I could hear a young girl talking on the phone.  She sounded pretty angry; her voice was escalating.  It sounded really ugly.  When she saw me, I thought she would be embarrassed or take things down a notch, but she was completely undaunted by my appearance on the scene, never missing a beat in her conversation. “You stupid @#$& witch.  I said come and get me now, you dumb ass piece of &$#@”.  (Feel free to use whatever curse words you please – she pretty much used them all – at least once.)  Now I’m no stranger to salty language.  I use it myself.  It succinctly says exactly what you are feeling.  But this was a young girl; I’d say she was around 13.  And guess who she was talking to?  Her mother. 

I have a mother and I am a mother.  I can say with 100% truthfulness, that I have never once spoken to my mother – or many other people – in the tone of voice that this girl was using, let alone the language.  Her voice was full of contempt and superiority.  While it’s hard to predict what other people will do, I can also say with certainty that my daughter will not speak to me in that way either.  And if she did, it would be the first and last time. 

 

It would be easy here to blame the girl.  Her actions were inexcusable and she is certainly old enough to know better.  But it’s the actions of the mother that truly baffle and upset me.  How on earth could she allow her child to speak to her that way?  Why wasn’t I hearing screaming rage coming from the other end of the phone?  I was ready to yell at the girl myself.  Do I think for a moment that the mother showed up to pick up the girl and grounded her for the rest of her life?  No way.   It would be easier for me to imagine that she took her to the mall or for an ice cream.

 

Why are parents today so afraid of parenting their children?  Why would this mother allow her child to speak to her that way?  She is the parent, the authority figure.  She is a role model and should show enough self respect to not allow herself to be treated in such a way.   And why would this young girl find it acceptable to be so disrespectful?  Perhaps she has heard others speak to her mother this way; but you couldn’t convince me that she thinks it’s OK.  She does it simply because she can; because there are no consequences for her behaviors, no limits set on her actions.

 

How is this young girl going to become a good friend, employee, spouse or mother?  Will she think that this is how she should treat people and how she herself should be treated?  What will the future be like, full of people who have no respect for themselves, for others or for authority?   Call me old fashioned or traditional, I don’t care.  I think that parents have a responsibility to their children, and to society, to guide and teach and model life for their children, a life that has rules, expectations and limits.  Being a parent isn’t easy, no one ever said it would be.  But we must be parents to our children and not insist on being their friends and peers.  Children need and want guidance.  They need to be shown what is acceptable and what is right.  And it’s our job as parents to show them.  Will it always be easy?  No.  Will we always be successful?  Hardly.  But it is the right thing to do for ourselves, for our kids and for the future.

Comments

[Heidi from Roxboro, NC]

I agree that Child Services is at fault for allowing them to believe that they shouldn't have boundaries. When we were growing up, we were punished and didn't dare think about calling the police because our parents hit us. Today as adults, we are good responsible people...all thanks to the discipline we had as youngsters. I'm 31 and my mom would knock me out too if I ever attempted to disrespect her. I think we all need to let the CPS and the government know that discipline is necessary. (Too much technology nowadays is another problem.)

[Karen D.]

Why wasn't the child punished? Because, in their wisdom, Child's Social Services says (to their face no less!) that the child should not be punished. Their rights are taken away is the excuse given me when I asked why this was the case! So, now that children have "rights" they do not have to do anything they choose not to. Yes, child abuse should be punished, but since when is grounding abuse? No, parents or guardians should not attack or purposely hurt a child, mentally or physically, but sitting in a chair for 15 minutes or less (for a teen) is not an attack or physically harm. Maybe there should be some social workers that could take these kids that are told they don't have to behave and live with them for a week. Maybe the tunes would change?

[Janet]

There's not doubt that I, too, would be down for the count if I spoke to my mother that way. But it's not something I can even imagine doing. By the same token, I cannot imagine her speaking to me in that way either. Respect must go both ways.

[Jen from Boston]

So true, so true. And it does come from the top down... not only have we allowed our children to use words like stupid and fat, as a nation we've stopped respecting seniors and veterans, caring for fellow man, and such.
I have to believe that even as a mother of two, approaching 40, my mother would still knock me out for speaking to her that way.....