Give "Time-Outs" the Boot!

12/23/2012

As a parent coach who specializes in helping parents of young children (aged 2-10), a frequently asked question is:  Is it okay for us to use time-outs with our children? 

 Let's take a look at time-outs, what I think about them, and why.  For our purposes, a classic time-out is forcing a child to sit on a step or mat, in a chair, or another designated spot for an amount of time chosen by the parent (typically, one minute per year of age of child).

Firstly, in the world of positive discipline, time-outs are simply not that popular.  Why?  Well, the thinking is that the parent is either trying to force a child into spot for an indiscretion that is developmentally normal, or the misbehavior is a cry for positive attention, not punishment.  Secondly, many parents believe that the child is learning to be “good” while she sits on the step.  Not so.  The child is usually feeling ashamed or is becoming angrier; but he is not learning how to behave.  Has the misbehavior stopped?  Yes, technically, but often there is a good deal of shame, blame, and general drama required to force the child into the time-out spot, and by the time the child sits down, everyone is angry and exhausted.  How can this be an effective way to parent?

Do I think time-outs are a "horrible and useless" thing?  Do I think that they are abusive?   Well, no.  I think that there is a very short window that the parent finds the time-out to be a useful tool...and that is the problem.  Somewhere between 18 months and 2.5, many parents will use time-outs to "teach" or stop misbehaviors and since the children are so young, they will often comply. 

But not for long.

Soon enough, the normal and spirited and growing child will start to fight back.  They will not go to the time-out spot or, as in the case of my oldest child; they will smack you and then walk themselves over to their spot, looking mightily smug and not the least bit remorseful.

 Parents start to become angrier and angrier, more locked into winning, and more invested in "teaching that kid a lesson."  This thinking, this anger, and this “need” to feel powerful is what grows more misbehaviors, especially as the child enters his late 3's and 4's. So, do I think you are hurting your child or family dynamic with time-outs? 

 My only question, for all parents, is: "Are the time-outs working?"

If the answer is "NO!" than give up the time-outs and see what happens!  You may be surprised to see that the behaviors does not get worse.

 More on Parenting:

6 Ways to Keep the Flu Away from Your Family

Get a Handle on Homework Hassles

5 Ways to Have Better Playdates

Comments

[Rosalie]

okay, so if time-outs are not useful; than what is!

What do you suggest?

[grandma may]

I have 26 grandchildren. Not all the parents use time out, but for the ones that do, I see it as a great success. I don't see children feeling bad about themselves, but it does give them time to review what behavior got them to this quiet place where they can settle down and think. The real success I see is without fail, when time out is over, the parents discuss the misbehavior and reteach what their family rules are that help make them all happy and get along. They are also always given a warning so they can choose to curb their behavior and avoid time out. Sidebar, timeout is great for the parents also. When parent and child get together again both are calmer and ready to communicate.

[margelle]

Grandma May knows her child psychology!
I cannot believe the Meghan Leahy's
ignorance! Why is this person a self-styled child behavior expert?

[Kathy Slater]

Ms. Margelle

Meghan Leahy is far from ignorant. She is an exceptional parent. Furthermore, her children (the living proof of her expertise) are amazing, loving, kind, and thoughtful. I hope we hear from the many parents who Meghan Leahy has helped.

[Sarah]

We have given up time outs as they have not produced results. I don't think my children learned anything from being in time outs, except where I expected them to be when their behavior was undesired. If tempers are flaring and children are worked up, talking with them about what is wrong and listening to them and having them cool down seems to be far more effective. Intervening before things escalate (difficult with 3 kids), or listening to the trangessor seems far more effective - definitely helps to better keep the peace!

[Kendra]

Time-outs have worked for me! We have 3 1/2 yr old twins. Giving a warning is definitely critical so the child can make a better choice and avoid the timeout. The behavior has never continued after a time-out and in most cases I need the cooling off period to avoid a shouting match. We always hug and say I love you after a time-out and it becomes a positive learning experience. On the flip side we also use a start chart to reinforce good behavior. After so many stars they get to pick a toy from the dollar store. I think the combination of these two strategies is a winner.

[clay]

When I was using time-outs my child's only question was always "how many minutes?" So all she really learned was to "do the time" and then she was out on probation. Sometimes all you really need is a subtle shift from a "time-out" to a "cooling off spot." It isn't as simple as throwing them in the clinker but it puts the child back in control and they actually learn how to manage their feelings.