Parents, Let's Befriend Boredom

05/13/2013

Reblog

With summer fast approaching, a chief complaint among many parents is worrying about boredom!

“My children are always complaining about how bored they are! We have millions of toys and activities, but if our children have 15 minutes free minutes, they are lost. I am dreading summer!”

As a parent coach with young kids myself, I know it can be tough to allow your children to be bored. And I also know that the answer is as simple as it is difficult.

You have to allow your child to be bored. 

But how? “How do I allow my child to be bored?” you ask. Well, you just do. You have to not get sucked into the whining and complaining. You have to not get sucked into, “All of my toys are stupid” or “I have plaaaaayed that game a hundred times, Mooooom.” 

To begin, start small with allowing boredom!

"You have time between 1-3 PM to find something to do. I can give your one or two ideas. Let me know."

Then you have to hold on for dear life. Your child is going to follow you around, whining, crying, and muttering about his or her extreme boredom. As the parent, you will have thoughts like, “This child has everything, how can he possibly be bored?” Or, “I work and work and work and still, these children are sucking me dry. I NEED A BREAK.” Or “I never bothered my parents like this when I was younger.” 

As these thoughts cycle in and out, you must simply breathe. Rest-assured that as you weather this storm, the child will eventually tire and find something to do. The more you have interfered in the past, the longer this process may take, but it is worth it. Why?

When children are bored, their creative juices start to flow again. The BBC recently published an article citing the importance of the boredom-creativity link.

“The academic, who has previously studied the impact of television and videos on children's writing, said: "When children have nothing to do now, they immediately switch on the TV, the computer, the phone or some kind of screen. The time they spend on these things has increased.

"But children need to have stand-and-stare time, time imagining and pursuing their own thinking processes or assimilating their experiences through play or just observing the world around them."

It is this sort of thing that stimulates the imagination, she said, while the screen "tends to short circuit that process and the development of creative capacity."

The irony is that the more we don’t allow our children to be bored, the more accustomed they become to being entertained. The more entertained the children are, the deeper the brain habits are ingrained. Their young brains are literally conditioned to constant entertainment, whether it is from a parent or caregiver or technology! 

Look at this summer as an opportunity to break your children from this cycle! Go on technology fasts and, while I love enrichment activities, think of holding a firm boundary on only one or two. 

Stay strong, don’t give into the whining, and watch what happens.  Creativity will bloom before you know it!

Why's Everyone Picking on Only Children?

04/26/2013

Reblog

I have heard people refer to only children in a number of different ways.

I have heard the term used with pity, such as: "Poor girl, she's all alone." Or I have heard it used as an excuse like: "He doesn't know how to play, he an only child." And I’ve heard it referred to as an insult: "You're being a brat, stop being such an only child."

I don't think people are intentionally being unkind or mean, however I do think that they are being thoughtless. If the people making these statements knew how hurtful some of they were, they would stop making them immediately.

I know many parents who have only one child, and the reasons are numerous. One mother had one pregnancy, easy-cheesy, only to spend the next seven years unsuccessfully trying. Many friends would have loved to have more children, but their marriages didn't or couldn't last. I have had friends have countless miscarriages and trials, even have second adoptions fall through at the last moment. And what about the women and friends who have chosen to have just one kid? They don't view their decision to have one child as pitiful, mean, or unloving. These women are happy with their family structure as it is.

But the unnecessary worry placed on these families by well-meaning but thoughtless people takes its toll.

So, in defense of these great children, here are some of the great things about having one child:

• Singletons are more likely to become the leaders of their classes, schools, and fields of work!
• Singletons are often highly verbal and able to converse with adults from a very early age.
• Singletons can have vivid imaginations that include imaginary worlds and groups of people!
• Singletons can cultivate a wide variety of hobbies and activities, and excel in many of them simultaneously.
• Singletons are often comfortable being alone and are unafraid to travel or live by themselves. 

Every birth order (first borns, middle, third) has its challenges, yet only the single children households seem to receive so much negative, hurtful, and thoughtless attention.  As a culture and as parents, let's remember that every family is whole, complete, and perfect, just the way they are.

To learn more about the singleton adolescent, click here.

Interview with an Autism Expert

04/12/2013

Reblog

Sometimes the best experts are the ones that confront something head-on, everyday. You might be thinking, 'this sounds a lot like what it means to be a mother'.

And you're right.

E.V. Downey is friend and former colleague from my teaching days. She is also the parent of an autistic child, an advocate of autism research and education, and an all-around great mother.

April is Autism Awareness Month, so I felt it would be best to feature a parent and expert who truly understand what it is like to mother a child with autism.

Q: When did you realize that your son had autism? What were the behaviors that compelled you to seek out support?

As is the case with many kids with Asperger’s, our son initially presented as a typically developing child. In fact, we first saw signs that he was extremely bright by about 18 months, he knew all his letters at 21 months, and was teaching himself to read at age 2. In hindsight we realize that these are signs of hyperlexia, an early indication of Asperger’s. By age 3, he was emerging as a child with an incredible ability to learn and retain information; plus he was an adorable, relatively easy-going (always intense, but not unpleasant) little guy. We started to realize that there was something “wrong” after he started school at age 3 ½. It was actually around age 4 when he started reacting poorly to the other kids around him at preschool. He was bothered by the noise, wouldn’t play on the playground, had problems with certain activities. He was also extremely late in potty training (another common trend with Aspies), resistant to costumes, new clothes, and had poor gross motor skills.

We started with his pediatrician and progressed quickly to an Occupational Therapist who diagnosed him with Sensory Integration Disorder and a Physical Therapist who diagnosed him with hypotonia (low muscle tone) and delayed gross motor skills. He did both OT and PT for approximately 1 year. He has been in one therapy or another (or several) for the 7 years since then.

Q: What has surprised you about parenting a child who has autism?

The biggest surprises are how incredibly good I can be at parenting sometimes and how incredibly bad at it I feel at other times. The other surprise is how judgmental other parents are despite my efforts. I have lost friends due to this.

Q: What is the hardest part, in terms of parenting, of having a child who has autism?

The hardest part is that my autistic child is so delayed in gaining independence from us as his parents. The other hardest part is the impact on my daughter. No matter how much we do for her, and it’s a lot, she feels like she’s not as important as her brother because he gets so much attention. She’s jealous of his therapies (because I take him to them without her) and the attention he demands from others and us.

Q: What has been your experience getting your son the resources he needs in school?

Ah, I could write a book on that topic alone! It has been an absolutely constant struggle for every day that he has been in school to get him the resources he needs. Asperger’s poses a particular challenge in school because Aspies are often (as our son is) quite bright and advanced academically. It is hard for schools to understand that, despite their academic abilities, Aspies need A LOT of support at school. I will leave it at that.

Q: What is it like to parent a child who has autism and a child who is neuro-typical child?

I hate to say it, but our neuro-typical child is just SO much easier. There, I said it. Our daughter makes us realize what it would be like to have a “normal” child and, at the risk of angering every parent of a neuro-typical child out there, it’s just SO much easier. There, I said it again. Our son is just so much MORE.

Q: How has parenting your son changed you? 

How hasn’t it changed me?!? There’s really no way to answer that. It has made me a better person, a more patient person, an exhausted person, a poorer person. In has made me somewhat of an activist. It has made me a whole lot more compassionate and a whole lot less tolerant of intolerance.

Q: Which aspects of your son’s character do you cherish?  What have been your parenting triumphs?

My son is so incredibly bright, it is actually frightening sometimes. His brain truly operates on a way that other brains do not (certainly not my own). Because this is common with Aspies, I can only assume that it is a part of the Asperger’s. He has shown evidence of this intelligence since he was not even yet walking. He is an amazingly loving child and extremely dedicated to his family and friends. He is, usually, a genuinely delightful person with whom to spend time.

Q: What do wish parents of neuro-typical children knew about your parenting life?

I wish they would understand that, just as they make mistakes, so do we. It is so hard to parent any child, let alone one with needs. We try to do all we can and be at the top of our game at all times, but sometimes we just can’t accomplish what we should. Please don’t judge us!

Q: What changes have you noticed over the years surrounding the resources and support available for parents of children with autism?

Public school programs for children on the spectrum are, generally, absolutely inadequate to meet the needs of our children. In order to, supposedly, save a small amount of money and a lot of face, the system is determined to attempt to educate our children, despite multiple failures. There are many excellent people in the system, especially the teachers, but there are so many prohibiting factors too. This is especially true for kids such as our son who can achieve academically, but who need the right atmosphere and support in order to do so.

To check out alternative schooling for your special needs child, click here.

 

 

Quitting is Good, Sometimes

04/01/2013

Reblog

Here is the scenario: Your three-year-old said he wanted to play soccer. You signed him up, paid the money, cleared your calendar and there you are, every Saturday morning...miserable. The child didn’t want to get dressed in his cute little uniform, he didn’t want to put on his over-priced cleats, he didn’t want to leave his Lego set, he didn’t want to get into the car, and he cried and whined until he got to the field.

Once there, he doesn’t practice with the team, he doesn’t run and have fun. He is either staring off into space or running tearfully to your side. As a parent, your blood is boiling. You are wasting your money and time. You are watching the other happy children and thinking, “What is wrong with my child?” 

And it is like this every single soccer practice. So, what do you do?

Let the child quit.

Seriously, that’s the answer. There is no class, no lesson, and no activity, nothing that is worth making your little three-year-old that upset.

You might think, “I spent $300.00 on this class, the child needs to finish it.”

No, they don’t. 

Your three-year-old does not need to take soccer or music or swimming or anything else. A young three-year-old doesn’t have the emotional maturity, nor do they have the brain maturity required to really be in activities.

Extended group activities are often an unreasonable expectation! The young brain is not ready to focus for long periods of time, and children three and under are most content when they direct the play. When the child has the freedom to flit from toy to toy, sandbox to slide, from play-kitchen to soccer ball, that is when most young three-year-old children are happiest!

You might say, “But allowing my little one to quit will teach them to be a quitter!”

No, it won’t.

Allowing the activity to stop shows that you are paying attention, that you are attuned to your child’s needs, that you value your child’s comfort over money, and that you are not afraid to make mistakes and move on. 

There will be a time that your seven-year-old child will join something and you will hold a boundary. You may say, “The family has paid for these gymnastics classes. You will finish the four weeks.”

You may say, “The basketball team is counting on you to show up and be part of the team. When the season is over, you never have to play again, but right now, we are keeping our word.”

So, if you are dragging a three-year-old to soccer and there is so much protestation and misery…just quit. Stop. Go get some frozen yogurt and go to the park. 

Let it go. Consider it a great parenting lesson (the first of many), and start enjoying your Saturday mornings again.

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Boundaries and Blankies

03/15/2013

Reblog

When I read the recent New York Times article about children and their lovies, my very first thought was: “Wow, I have had my blankie since I was born.  And some parents want their young children to quit their lovies?  They would have to pry mine from my cold, dead, hands.”

So, yes.  I have a blankie.  Well, it is really a nightshirt…a 25-year-old nightshirt.   This current “blankie” is the third in a line of blankies.  It went: REAL blankie, nightshirt, nightshirt.  No matter what went wrong (my mother taking it away and using to scrub toilets.  Yes, still scarred) or that I gave it up to get my ears pierced (I had another blankie waiting for me in the wings), I have spent my entire life with an iteration of a blankie.

Naturally, I am not going to be the parent coach that tells you that there is anything wrong with a child that has a lovey.  In fact, (and science is on my side here, folks) lovies are normal, healthy, and can be an excellent way for a child (or adult) to face an uncertain world. 

Lovies are not an indication of immaturity, a flag for self-esteem issues, nor a sign of attachment disorders.  As the NYT article says, “The specificity of the child’s preference — and affection — parallels the developing ability to feel a strong specific attachment to particular people. The transitional object is “a bridge between the mother and the external world,” said Alicia Lieberman, an expert in infant mental health and a professor at the University of California, San Francisco.”

So strong is this “bridge,” that I have recommended to parents who are reuniting with their babies in foster care that they, the parents, continuously sleep with a little lovey, and keep cycling the lovey in and out with the baby.  The smell, the feel, the look of the lovey…all of these characteristics link the babies brain to “Mom” or “Dad.”  It is amazing how quickly young babies can recognize and reach out for these lovies.  It is a powerful connection for both parent and child!

But, well-meaning parents want to know, what to do we when we feel like the lovey is holding us hostage?  It is dirty, the child wants to bring it into school, or the child will ignore friends to play with it?

Okay, here are some positive parenting ideas to handle the some of life’s little lovey peccadilloes:

• The lovey is filthy.  Whenever possible, obtain many copies of the “blankie” so you stand a chance of washing or cleaning it.  If you can, go ahead and “sneak” clean it.  If sneaking is not in the cards, have the child “help” you put in the washer or sink, add the soap, etc.  There may be crying, but just soothe and love, and soon enough…poof!  The blankie reemerges clean and happy.

• The blankie is traveling into school where it is being taken away and/or possibly lost.  This is a difficult, but a real and needed time to establish and hold a parental boundary.  “Tommy, Blankie is going to stay right here, in your car seat.  When I pick you up, it will be here.  Now go have fun!”  Kiss kiss, and off the child goes.  Yes, the child will scream bloody-murder for a couple of days, but if you keep the blankie where you said it would be, all will be okay.  DO NOT try to reason with the child about possibly losing the blankie, having the blankie torn, hurt, or taken.  Your child doesn’t understand those concepts, so just stand your ground and allow your child to flourish at school (without the blankie).

• The blankie is becoming a tyrant.  The blankie is demanding you (Mom) sit somewhere else, the blankie doesn’t like peas anymore, and the blankie doesn’t want to share with the play date who is visiting.  The blankie is ruling with any iron fist, and you have had it.  You say, “Matilda, Blankie is welcome, and if he does not share/use his manners/or allow eating to occur, Mom is going to have to remove Blankie.”  Again, this is Boundary Holding 101.  It ain’t going to be pretty, but it works.

 

When in doubt, don’t worry about the lovies.  They are safe, they are routine, and they are a little piece of home, a little piece of you.  When you look at it that way, it is easier to smile and decide to wait for a battle that is truly worth it.

Find Meghan Leahy Parent Coach on her website, like her Facebook page, and follow her on Twitter!

 

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6 Cheers for Big Families!

01/31/2013

Reblog

Three of The 6 Little McGhees learn sign language.

As a parent coach and certified counselor, I have some family dynamics education and understanding of the highs and lows of larger families.  But let’s get real. I have ONE brother, and (while it may feel like a lot to me) three kids, so I have no idea what it is really like to grow up with many siblings, nor to parent many different children!

Like many of you, when I see a happy family of seven on the street, I try not to stare.  I look at the mother with a mix of amazement, wonder, and disbelief.  It’s like seeing a shooting star, “Wait, is that real?”  Like shooting stars, you know large families are out there, but you cannot quite believe it when you see it. 

I know how hard I work with three kids, so I wonder about all the needs that exist in a large family, from the minute to the big.  And I will admit to wondering, “Is this is what that family wanted?  Did they choose that?” 

Since my own experience cannot help me, I decided to turn to best source I have: my Meghan Leahy Facebook Page!  I have many friends who are both one of many children, as well have many children themselves!  They were kind enough to answer a couple of questions for me, so that we can really learn what is like to be part of a big family! 

So, firstly, I wanted to learn about what it is like to be a child in a big family!  Dianne V. (one of five) says: “I loved having a variety of siblings with whom I’ve been closer with during various stages of life. I also liked the balance that several kids brought to the parent-child relationship: they were interested in what I did but were not watching my every move as though their own happiness and fulfillment depended on my next move.”  And Karen R. says, there was “always someone to play with, if I wanted.”  All those needs for constant play dates?  Not so necessary when you are one of many in your home!  With five or six children in the house, someone is always doing something interesting.

And when I asked these women if they felt they were missing something when they were growing up, like more individualized attention, the results were mixed. 

Dianne V says, “I didn’t feel like things were overlooked for us as I was growing up. I could tell my parents were always trying to meet our various needs, even if it wasn’t always perfect,” while Karen R. says that some “individual alone time” was missed.

The parent who has four or more kids definitely said that one of the biggest challenges for big families?  TIME.  Dianne V. says “Some of the biggest challenges of having a larger family are figuring out how to ‘get it all done,’ how to still find time for your marriage and yourself” and Patricia R. says, “Coordination of activities and interests, as well as the volume of things to do.”  One or two adults for four, five, or six kids? 

And with that many human bodies in one place, the amount of stuff can take a toll on even the most organized mom!  Amy D. says there is “the constant chaos. The house is always messy and someone is always crying.”  I didn’t even ask about food, but imagine that shopping with these parents would be a true lesson in organization.  The only true option?  Letting some things go, which Amy D. admits she is working on that, every day.

Beyond the worries about time for self, time for marriage, and some worries about seeing each child for who he or she is (which I think most parents worry about those issues), the overwhelming message I received was just how much these parents loved their big families!  

Dianne V. says, “What makes me happiest about being a parent of 4 children is helping them cultivate loving relationships with each other and seeing the moments where this love shines through between the siblings.”

“I love being able to see them grow into individuals. They are so different from each other and so great in their own ways,” states Cara B.

Karen B. says, “The love!! It multiplies exponentially.”

And Amy D. says her family is so close that “we function as a unit. What I mean by that is that when one child is gone the rest are out of sorts.”

And all that staring I do when I see a big family?  Well, big families would like you to know that they are quite happy with their decisions, thankyouverymuch. 

Dianne V. says she sometimes feels she has to “apologize for the existence of her kids,” and “that they’re not mistakes, just four awesome kids with their own personalities that make getting up in the morning one of the best feelings on earth (next to sleep itself).”

Cara B. also sometimes feels judged.  “I feel self-conscious about how many kids I have in my 1-2 kid household town. I get a lot of comments that are something along the lines of how ‘full my hands are,’ and it feels more critical than supportive.”

So, what did I learn here?  First of all, I am going to stop staring!   Secondly, while parents of many children may worry about making it all work, most kids of large families report feeling loved, taken care of, and truly enjoying having so many different relationships at their disposal!  So, three cheers for big families!  Nope, let’s make that "SIX" cheers for big families!

 

For More Multiple Love be sure to Tune in to Six Little McGhees on Wednesdays @ 10/9C!

 

 

 

Tired of the Time-Out? Here are some new ideas!

01/04/2013

Reblog

In my previous post, we discussed the efficacy of time-outs and why, ultimately, I am going to rarely recommend them.  Time-outs stop working, then the parent soon starts to struggle and fight with the child to get them into the designated spot and stay there.  This struggle only grows more power struggles between the parent and the child.

So, what is a parent to do with the hitting, scratching, fit-throwing, biting, kicking menace that has replaced their beautiful and calm toddler?

Photo Credit: Ken Wilcox

Here are some replacement ideas for the time-out!

1.  Prevent, prevent, prevent.  When you really look at your schedule, you can oftentimes see patterns of when your child is misbehaving the most.  It is before nap time?  Lunch?  Are they bored and cranky around 4:30 pm every day?  Toddlers and young pre-k children can be tough...there can appear to be no patterns!  It is a useful to look...so take note and make a plan for prevention.  Do you need to carry healthy snacks?  Have you been correctly reading the exhaustion signs?  Can you cut a play date or activity off a bit earlier to side-step the misbehavior?  Are you asking too much of your child (sitting at a table for 30 minutes each night)?  Are you not giving your child any freedom or responsibility (a two year old can start to set the table, tear lettuce, etc.)?  Asking yourself these questions can be the best medicine...prevention!

2.  Divert, divert, divert.  If the misbehavior is just beginning, I strongly recommend you find something (anything) else to focus on!  "Look, David!  Did you see the bird?  Let's look together!  Or "Lauren, will you help me find my new pen!  I think I left it over here..."  Or "Who wants to have a dance party?"  Or "Let's put together this puzzle..."  The point is, parents often want to spend time talking to their kids about the misbehavior in the hopes of "teaching a lesson," but diverting your young two year old's attention is a more effective brain-based way of handling it!

3.  Speaking of understanding the brain...your young child does not have the brain matter to handle the lectures about behavior.  When the behavior has become unacceptable, you scoop up the child, say "No Hitting" once, sternly and quietly.  You move that child into another situation, room, option, or choice...but they cannot return to the infraction and nor should you continue talking.  For the immature brain it is action, not words, that matter the most.  As soon as your child does something acceptable, you say, "thank you for helping me clean up the dining room floor, look how clean it is!" with a big hug.  You are moving from an emphasis on the negative to an emphasis on the positive.  If we are able to pay more attention to the behavior we want, our children will see our smiling faces and want to repeat the good stuff! 

Again, if time-outs are working for you (meaning the behaviors are getting better and you are not getting angrier), by all means...keep it.  If, though, the time-outs are making everything worse...try something new!

Give "Time-Outs" the Boot!

12/23/2012

Reblog

As a parent coach who specializes in helping parents of young children (aged 2-10), a frequently asked question is:  Is it okay for us to use time-outs with our children? 

 Let's take a look at time-outs, what I think about them, and why.  For our purposes, a classic time-out is forcing a child to sit on a step or mat, in a chair, or another designated spot for an amount of time chosen by the parent (typically, one minute per year of age of child).

Firstly, in the world of positive discipline, time-outs are simply not that popular.  Why?  Well, the thinking is that the parent is either trying to force a child into spot for an indiscretion that is developmentally normal, or the misbehavior is a cry for positive attention, not punishment.  Secondly, many parents believe that the child is learning to be “good” while she sits on the step.  Not so.  The child is usually feeling ashamed or is becoming angrier; but he is not learning how to behave.  Has the misbehavior stopped?  Yes, technically, but often there is a good deal of shame, blame, and general drama required to force the child into the time-out spot, and by the time the child sits down, everyone is angry and exhausted.  How can this be an effective way to parent?

Do I think time-outs are a "horrible and useless" thing?  Do I think that they are abusive?   Well, no.  I think that there is a very short window that the parent finds the time-out to be a useful tool...and that is the problem.  Somewhere between 18 months and 2.5, many parents will use time-outs to "teach" or stop misbehaviors and since the children are so young, they will often comply. 

But not for long.

Soon enough, the normal and spirited and growing child will start to fight back.  They will not go to the time-out spot or, as in the case of my oldest child; they will smack you and then walk themselves over to their spot, looking mightily smug and not the least bit remorseful.

 Parents start to become angrier and angrier, more locked into winning, and more invested in "teaching that kid a lesson."  This thinking, this anger, and this “need” to feel powerful is what grows more misbehaviors, especially as the child enters his late 3's and 4's. So, do I think you are hurting your child or family dynamic with time-outs? 

 My only question, for all parents, is: "Are the time-outs working?"

If the answer is "NO!" than give up the time-outs and see what happens!  You may be surprised to see that the behaviors does not get worse.

 More on Parenting:

6 Ways to Keep the Flu Away from Your Family

Get a Handle on Homework Hassles

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Why Won't My Kids Just Do What I Tell Them To Do?

11/26/2012

Reblog

As a parent coach, one of the chief complaints I hear from parents is: "Why won't my children listen to me anymore?  Things were going so well and now they ignore me, say "No", or even do the opposite! I am so tired of it."

But as a parent with young children myself, I know what opposition feels like and it isn't pretty. As adults, we have a certain idea of how things should proceed and when your kids don't march along nicely, this can be very frustrating. 

So let’s take closer look at some of the reasons our kids don't listen to us!

1. Developmentally, your child is right on track. It is normal and expected for all children to say no at different ages.  For example, two year olds, four year olds, late six year olds...it is completely normal for changes to occur in both the body and the brain that can lead to an increased rate in irritability, sensitivity, and negativity. "Wait" you say, "my child is three and says no all of the time!"  Every child is different, and your child may be on a different developmental track. The point is, be open to the idea that your child may not be trying to be disagreeable! They are trapped in a rapidly changing brain and body, and cannot get out! Realizing this will help grow your compassion and forgiveness for the child, as well as find solutions.

2. Your child says no because you are not allowing her or him to grow and change. What do I mean by this? Every child, no matter their temperament, is naturally inclined toward independence and real work. Each child wants to contribute in a real way and see the fruits of their labor. So, when a child is trying to dress herself, for instance, and we continue to step in and interfere, the child will begin to struggle to assert their independence. Try simply allowing the child to try something...what your child can do will surprise you!

3. Your child is saying no because you are asking too many questions. Parenting 101? If you don't want to hear "no," don't ask a question that gives the child a chance to say it! For instance, you know the child is happily putting together a puzzle...so what do you think the answer will be when you ask, "would you like to get in the bathtub?" Of course, that child would rather puzzle away! So, don't ask the question! Instead, create a transition and don't offer a choice! Get down on the child's level, look them in the eye, and say, "Bath time is in 3 minutes. I am setting an alarm. When the alarm goes off, the puzzles are over." Alarm goes off, you gently and firmly lead the child to bath. Will they struggle? Maybe. But it will be far, far better the “fake choices” struggle! 

Whatever you decide to do, remember that the more you struggle, the more you struggle!  

For more information about Meghan Leahy Parent Coach, come visit my website, follow my Twitter, and like my Facebook Page!

The Great Duct Tape Experiment

11/12/2012

Reblog

I read a recent article about newest parenting book, Duct Tape Parenting: A Less Is More Approach to Raising Respectful, Responsible, and Resilient Kids by Vicky Hoefle, and became inspired.

There WILL be moments where you just want to do this

 

As a parent coach, I clearly understand how parents grow misbehavior in their children, and some of those most common parenting techniques are nagging, threatening, reminding, begging, and giving in to demands.  The more parents nag, for instance, the more deaf a child becomes to the parent's voice. The more deaf the child becomes, the more the parent nags...and the cycle continues!

In Duct Tape Parenting, the parent is invited to literally place a band-aid (safer on the skin than duct tape) over his or her mouth (during, say, the morning routine or another charged parenting time) so that the parent stops overmanaging the child.  By stopping your part of the cycle, the child's behavior improves, he or she experiences real consequences, and begins to feel truly competent and relevant.

So, I tried it!  

Here are some of my take-aways from what I learned from The Great Duct Tape Experiment:

1. Training, training, and more training.  In order for your child to become more self-sufficient, the parent must take time to train the child!  From pouring cereal to setting tables to loading the dishwasher, teach your child how to do these activities during a quiet and calm time.
 

2. Have faith.  In counseling, it's called "fake it till you make it!"  It means you have to go out on a limb and believe in your kids!  Trust that they are ready to take more and better care of themselves!

3. Pay attention to how much would be interfering otherwise!  Everytime you want to say something (and cannot because of the band-aid over your mouth!), bring your awareness to that!  There were so many moments where I thought, "Wow!  I really want to tell my five year old to get her shoes on...again!"  See how you handle it without all the talking!

4. Have fun!  Yes, it is an experiment and it can be challenging, but be open to learning and have fun with it!  Everyone will enjoy it more.

Read more about my duct tape experiment here and here!

For more information about Meghan Leahy Parent Coach, come visit my website, follow my Twitter, and like my Facebook Page!