There's Something About Mackinac

03/04/2010

"Guys, trust me, you don't want to be biking up the hill at 2 AM after a night on the town," I pleaded as we loaded our equipment cases for one final time before going on hiatus.  "Let's just take a cab."  Of course, the cab in this case was a horse-drawn buggy, the quaintest way to get around the charmingly antiquated Mackinac Island. 

"No, way!" Dan protested. 

"The cabs are too slow," Mike concurred. 

"Bikes will be fun," Troy finally offered, without a hint of excitement in his voice. 

The crew was done and they wanted to have fun. We had just shot the final scene of the season at the Mission Point Resort and Jones was still in his maid outfit.

 Audio "guy" Chris Jones can't wait for the season to be finished. 

Leading the way however, in the front against Barsky that I have come to expect in all matters that concern the collective Dirty Jobs crew beyond what you see on screen, was a new voice.

"Look, a cab will take 20 minutes just to get here.  But we can rent bikes downstairs and be downtown in three," Susan Bentley rationalized.  

I had met Susan during our first turn on Mackinac a few years prior and she had been a dear friend ever since.  She and her husband own the 7th Heaven Salon and Spa where Mike rubbed Greg's feet toward the end of the "Crew Unemployment" special.  You may have also caught a glimpse of her removing my much-beloved chest hair at the end of another episode earlier in the season.

During the two-day shoot schedule for the "Unemployment" episode, Susan had been with us every step of the way, acting as a virtual tv producer, making sure all of our ducks were in a row as we bopped around the island.  She even acted as a camera operator for the opening shot of the show -the one when all of us were on the stage- as the focus needed to be adjusted as Mike walked toward camera.

Susan had been our host and Mackinac Island "expert" so naturally she had earned the respect of all the crew. Besides, dinner was waiting at the finest restaurant on the Island.  So was my wife, who had just flown in from L.A.  So, yeah, I hopped on a bike too.

 Susan's occupation as a massage therapist has rendered her biceps well-suited for camera duty.

We had a blast at dinner, of course, which was preluded by a surprise compliment of champagne supplied by Eric Trager, from the Snake Farm episode fame.  He and I had remained friends over the years and wanted to congratulate us on another season well done.

Dinner was followed by yet another trip to Horn's Bar, also featured on the "Crew Unemployment" special during the Troy sequences.  Horn's, not unlike the other watering holes on Mackinac, represents everything the Island is beyond the during daylight hours when tourists are gaping at lilacs.  Being our last outing together for six months (our longest break from filming Dirty Jobs by about, well, six months) we willfully participated in island tradition.  You just cannot escape it.  There is something about the island lifestyle that even the year-round residents are at a loss to articulate.

The Dirty Jobs crew happily -as they say- closed the place down.  And, feeling satisfied with another successful trip, returned to our rooms for a final night on the island.  Or at least I did.

I had left -walking up the hill- with my wife and the Bentleys a few minutes before the rest of the gang.

Within minutes of locking my hotel room door ready to bed down after a night suspiciously devoid of pranks, I noticed that I had missed three phone calls on the way to The Grand Hotel. Ryan, Mike, Ryan again.  All within a minute of each other.  

Uh-oh.  

Nobody calls me that late within that short a period of time unless something really bad has happened. 

Each of the messages were equally desperate and they all said the same thing: Doug had hurt himself- badly. Something about Doug falling off his bike and "maybe" breaking a bone.  

My initial trepidation rapidly turned to annoyance and then anger as my dear wife was in the midst of her own "dilemma" in the bathroom after partaking in three-too-many black-and-tans at Horn's Bar. Generally I would point an accusatory finger Jones's way whenever he happened to be adjacent to such an eventuality. But this time I'm gonna blame Mackinac.  Whatever the case, I just didn't need a lame joke right then.  Not to mention I had my own issues as my chest hairs were already stabbing their way back out of my epidermis.

But there it was- the prank I that I had expected to materialize much earlier in the evening.  Sure... perennially klutzy Doug hurt himself riding his bicycle on the way up to the hotel just as Barsky had predicted several hours before.  Ooh..the irony.  I just thought it too odd that both Ryan AND Mike would call me- especially if they had both been there when the alleged accident occurred.  I promptly called Ryan, only to get his voicemail.  I informed him as unkindly as possible of my own situation. Then, there was a knock on my door.  It was Mike.

And he was selling it good.

"I was on my way back and I somehow got separated from the rest of the guys but ran into them later." Mike was still tying to catch his breath.  "Doug had fallen off a three-foot wall and broke his collar bone or something."  

"This had better not be a joke," I said.

"No, I swear. The weird thing about it was on my way back up the hill to tell you some other guy was dialing his phone while riding his bike and he crashed too!  Right in front of me.  Turns out it was Ryan and he was dialing you!"

"Okay, c'mon..."  I was getting further irritated.  "Where did this happen?"

"Somewhere over there," Mike said, pointing in the opposite direction of the bar.  Mike had always displayed the directional prowess of a tortoise with vertigo.  But I still wasn't buying it.

Until my phone rang.  It was Troy.  He was with Doug in the Mackinac Island infirmary. I knew Troy wouldn't lie.  It had all been true, and that was funny.

 Doug, Doug, Doug...

Needless to say, we eventually made it off Mackinac Island to work on other shows during our time off from Dirty Jobs. And yes, we were able to check Doug into a decent physical rehabilitation hospital.

However, just a few weeks ago, Doug badly injured himself on the set of Worst Case Scenario.  I wanted to post a picture of the injury but it was deemed to gruesome by the powers-that-be at The Discovery Channel.  This time it was his index finger. On his focus hand.  And he's gonna need surgery.

Susan, are you available?