Am I Still the Same Person I Think I Am?

May 26, 2008

I’m sitting on a train heading to my parents’ house from my new home in Toronto, Canada. I’m getting close to the time that I will have to say goodbye to them, but this isn’t a goodbye trip. I haven’t ridden the train since I was a kid, but it used to be my way of getting around to see my family before I had a car and could drive. It’s a cool feeling knowing that I can decide to go see my parents on a whim. It’s the whole reason I moved back to Canada. As my days are becoming more and more consumed with thoughts of lions, I can’t even begin to understand how I got to where I am right now.

I mean that in a grand scale kind of way, like, “I really have the best life I can imagine for myself. But also, and more pressing right now, in a “how did I become a city slicker who is preparing to go into the bush, when I have been a wild man who prepares to go into the city for so long?” kind of way.  Of all the second-guessing I have done in my life, wondering if I can give up my family life, social life and comfortable life has never even crossed my mind, until now.

A Discomforting Lack of Nature

June 01, 2008

I am really getting anxious now. There has been lots of planning and talking and getting ready for this project, but I am still in the city. I am done with cites and large groups of strangers and a general lack of nature. I haven’t had a relationship or interaction with a non-domestic animal in weeks. It’s getting so bad I have to go to the park to see trees. I sit there and watch all the dogs interacting just to get a tiny fix. The feeling of being cooped up in the city is like having a nervous itch. I walk around with this itch and know the only way to scratch it will be to get out in the bush. I can feel myself creating distance between me and my friends and family and everyone around me. The more uncomfortable I get, the more introverted I become. All this while, I am sitting wondering what the lions I meet are going to be like.

Will They Like Me?

June 10, 2008

Every time I sit down to write, I want to start with “It’s almost time to go.” I’ve been sitting around feeling like life is on hold until I get out to meet my lions. When you live a lifestyle like mine, you are always about to leave. Sometimes in days and sometimes in months, but you are always about to leave. Not that I’m complaining, but at times that feeling overwhelms you and makes it impossible to do any of the usual things that one might do. There is no need to buy that bookshelf to put your books away or hang those paintings; it’s pointless to date someone that you see a future with, because in the end you are leaving.

The thing that I find most interesting about my preparations to go is the mental relationship I feel like I have with a pride of lions that I don’t even know. I know all the stats — i.e., I know how big they are, how many male and female, where they live, and so on — but I don’t know them. So every day I wonder what each one will be like and worry if they are going to like me. It feels almost like I am in the second grade and am changing schools.

I guess it’s odd, but my largest responsibility to prepare for this project is to be ready for an attack. I spend hours every day in the gym working out to fight off an attack. I spend hours a day planning for the “what if” scenarios, but my biggest hope is that I am accepted and liked.

Freaking Out About Lions

June 23, 2008

Well, that’s it, it finally happened. I had my first panic attack of the project. I was up all night last night freaking out about lions. I expected to get panic attacks, because in the past during dangerous projects I have had the same. It’s funny, I am always asked if I’m scared with the animals and generally speaking I never am. It’s usually after I am in a dangerous situation that I start thinking about the things that could happen and that causes me to get scared. It seems now that I am a bit older, and much more experienced, I can get my mind into those terrible “what if” situations without ever being in one. Too much knowledge is sometimes a bad thing.

If I had to explain my panic attack, I would call it a partial mental breakdown. I say partial because the whole time that I was absolutely gripped and crushed by the fear of what I have gotten myself into, I knew and even verbally told myself “When I wake up tomorrow, it will all be fine.” When I did, it was.

It's Almost Here!

June 30, 2008

I saw pictures today of where I might set up camp. Holy cow! I’m so excited that it’s almost here — I almost get to start this journey. I have been planning this since before Christmas. I am short of breath, I am so excited!

That, and I have a cold.

The Journey Begins

July 02, 2008

WE ARE HERE!!! It's hard to explain the feeling of arriving at a place that you have been planning to come to for so long. It’s not my personality to want to go somewhere and have to wait. If I want to get somewhere, I usually just go. This has been planned and talked about and waited on for eight months or so. It feels so good. The hard part now is not just running out to find the lions; there is a lot of set-up and planning to do before I can safely meet the cats.

First things first: finding a camp site. I am looking for is a bit of open ground so that predators and elephants don’t have too much cover to just appear in camp, plus a bit of water to help with daily life (not to mention it will help attract some animals to camp). I want to make sure it's in a part of the park that the lions frequent ... and I guess I want it to look nice — I'm living here for about six months!

All the fear, sense of danger and safety planning aside — this is exciting!

Panic Attack No. 2

July 05, 2008

OK, so I should have written you yesterday, after my first night in the tented camp. I was just too busy. I had to run around all day, and then when I finally found the camp it was much harder to set up than I had expected. So the first night I was in the camp, a male lion roared about 30 feet from my tent. It was five minutes to 11 p.m. I know, because it woke me up and I spent the rest of the night lying awake wondering what I had gotten myself into. Yup, that's panic attack No. 2. I feel like the panic that time was from being cut off from humanity so abruptly. You take for granted, even as a loner like myself, that you can call or go and see someone or even sit in a restaurant and see strangers. All of the sudden I'm alone and with no access to anything. I don't even have a vehicle when I'm sleeping out here.

Oh, did I tell you it is freezing at night here? Yeah, that's right — below 0°C at night, and I'm in a tent wishing I had company. Guess what else? I saw a lion today. The grumpy Gus charged me, though. I was in the truck, so it wasn't so bad, and she had no intention of doing anything. I will fill you in later; my battery is dying and it is freezing. My fingers can't type anymore. It's 8 p.m. and I'm already in bed!

A Lonely Yet Exciting Life

July 08, 2008

(The only way I know the day or date is because when I type the month the day comes up. I've already lost track of the days.)

Well, it's been a few days now. I feel like I am finding my feet here. You can see that it's been three days since I wrote. I have to send my computer out of the tented camp to get charged, and it just isn't high on their priority list these days to get it charged and sent back. I'm just happy that they don't prioritize my food the same way. I have been eating pretty well. I am a pretty simple eater, so I have been throwing some meat over the fire and some potatoes in the fire and it's been nice. Let's see if I can catch you up.

I have been getting used to being alone out here. I was really shaken up that first night, and things have been getting better each night. In fact, I can even say now that I am sitting at the camp all alone and enjoying it! I'm living a lonely, yet exciting life right now! They conflict, but seem to be working out enough for me to be smiling most of the day.

Peaceful Moments

July 10, 2008

So, I have had a lot of action around my camp these days. I think the lions like my new place as much as I do. I had a lion hanging out in the same thicket where I have, well, my men’s room, let's call it. They seem to be fine with me here, and I am fine with them there.

I am having quite a few peaceful moments these days. I am really starting to like all the alone time that I am getting. I went and laid next to a bank on the opposite side of the dam to where my camp is. As I laid there, animals would come up to the dam for a drink. Most of them didn't even know that I was there. This morning I went on a walk by myself. It's nice to have a chance to go on walks and not take the crew. Without the crew, I find that I get to focus on whatever I feel like and I don't have to wonder if I am boring people with the rantings of my lunatic thoughts.

Guilt at Dawn

Another chilly morning — I've woken up before the sun. As I sit here drinking my coffee, I'm really loving the slower-paced life I have begun. I have just been sitting here, though, feeling a bit guilty about some of the things that I have put upon some people. What most hits home about what I have happily left behind — such as mortgages, emails from my BlackBerry, conference calls, and the general to do's around the house — is that those things haven't stopped; I just pushed the responsibilities off to someone else. That just dawned on me today, and the guilt hit me just shortly afterward. All the things I hate the most I pawned off onto someone who loves me enough to do it.

My poor father gets to deal with all my personal banking, including making sure the mortgages get paid and credit card bills are dealt with, as well as anything else that comes up. My unlucky friend and business partner, Oloff, has to deal with all my work finances and business-related communication. Two of my best friends, Kerri and Miles, whom I have a house with in Toronto, get to oversee all my house renovations and make sure all the chores are done around the house, etc., and so on! The funny thing is that my life runs better when they are dealing with all those things.

Anyway, the crew is here. I get to go walking now. Write later!