'I Don’t WANNA Go to School. You Can’t MAKE Me!' Oh, But I Can Sweet-Talk You

11/12/2009

T-Rex is hunched on the couch, arms folded, glaring at me.

He’s staked his position, and he’s not budging: “I don’t like playschool. I’m staying here!”

I’m glaring back at him, BlackBerry in my backpack buzzing work requests it seems I will never get to.

We had an episode like this not so long ago, involving both T-Rex and his twin brother, Punk. They pretty much staged a mutiny against school, and I devised what I thought was a brilliant solution. I told them we were going on safari. Punk’s favorite stuffed animal, “Elephant,” had gone missing, so I suggested we go find him. The search would just happen, you know, during the walk to school.

I strapped on their safari hats, and boy did my ploy work. They were out the door in seconds, running down the street calling “Elephant! Elephant!”

We had a few hitches. Like Elephant had recently scratched his butt (which required a band-aid), and there was some concern that he was incapacitated. Also, Punk decided we couldn’t move forward without a map. Luckily, I produced an imaginary one that he then kept checking. We looked for Elephant behind bushes, under leaf piles, and up in the trees (I know I know, elephants don’t generally climb trees, but you do what you have to do).

The whole thing went gangbusters until I steered them into their school. They immediately lay down on the floor, screaming and wailing that they thought they were on safari, not going to school. And, well, I felt like a jerk for duping them.

So now I have the same school-resistance problem with T-Rex, but obviously I’m not going to do the safari bait-and-switch again. I’ve got to plot some other response. Trouble is, dealing with T-Rex takes some serious maneuvering. A mini version of his grandfather, he’s every bit as smart—and stubborn.

I need a political strategist on this one. Where is David Axelrod when you need him?

I’ve already tried the appeal to sympathy:  {sigh} “C’mon sweetie-pie, you’re going to make mommy late for work.”

T-Rex: Glare. Pout.

And the appeal to reason. “T-Rex, you don’t have a choice here. Sometimes mommy and daddy don’t feel like going to work, but we have to. And you have to go to school.”

Frown. "I’m staying HERE!”

Tick tock, tick tock. Now I really am late for work.

I resort to coercion, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him to the door. “Look bucko! I don’t have time for this. Come ON!”

This, of course, prompts him to park himself on the floor and draw the most effective weapon in his arsenal: tears.

“I don’t.” [sniffle] “Wanna go.” [choke] “I don’t” [snort] “Liiiiiiiiike it theeeeere.”

Now, as planned, he’s got me. I can’t have tears, so I’ll have to try an extreme tactical shift. Even though it’s against my cynical nature, I opt for the pep talk.

I roll up my sleeves, sit next to him on the sofa, and ask if there's a problem at school. He shakes his head, no. Time to turn on the sunshine:

"T-Rex, sure you like it at playschool! You get to eat syrupy pancakes for breakfast. And sing songs. And play with the computer. And [I'm reaching now] and Ms. Johnson is there. She reeaaally likes T-Rex. You're her favorite!"

T-Rex considers this for a moment. Then he jumps off the sofa and gets all puffed up. "Oh yeah. I'm the best boy. I'm the strongest, big boy too. I'm Ms. Johnson's biggest boy of all. And I have really strong muscles." He flexes a bit, then puts on his jacket, all ready for school.

Touchdown! I'm dumbfounded that this tack actually worked. And I'm curious whether any of the strategies I tried are actually what experts recommend for tackling (in expert-speak) school refusal, AKA school phobia or school avoidance.

The American Academy of Pediatrics Web site confirms that yes, I was right to insist that he go to school; let a child stay home for no good reason, and the school refusal will only increase.

And, my asking him if there was a problem and playing up the positives of school are also recommended strategies of the site Phobics Awareness. Both sites also recommend speaking with a child's teachers about the problem—that's on my to-do list.

OK, I gotta admit, I was feeling pretty smug after I packed T-Rex off to school and read that I'd, for once, done all the right things. Small victories, folks. Small victories.

And I was still feeling pretty pleased when I went to pick up him up from Ms. Johnson's room after work. Unfortunately, it was not a happy scene. T-Rex was sitting in the corner, sulking, and Ms. Johnson looked, well, tense.

 
"What happened here?" I asked.

"Well, T-Rex got hold of my ink stamp pad, and stamped ALL of my report cards. I mean all of them. Stamps all over them. I'll have to get a whole new set."

Understandably, she was more than a little ticked off. We quickly made our apologies, and I hustled T-Rex out of there.

Crud. T-Rex had just single-handedly obliterated my "You're Ms. Johnson's favorite" tactic. Why am I not surprised?

Comments

[grace]

I'm surprised Mrs Johnson doesn't realize that anything left within reach of a 3-4 year old is fair game. You might want to make sure she doesn't have any permanent markers anywhere in the classroom...!

[lil]

Love the safari bit - and the sweet-talkin ploy. That's what parenting takes, I think: lots of creativity and distraction. So much better to to use persuasion rather than coercion to get a kid to do something he's set his mind against. Only trouble is is takes both time and patience, and both are hard to find when life is so demanding for most of us.

[cyberchondriacmom]

Grace, yeah, it's weird about Ms. Johnson. She really is a fabulous teacher and she and T-Rex have a real bond, so it was sad to see that happen between the two of them. T-Rex actually opted to be in her classroom after hours (he's not assigned to her) and ever since the "episode" he has opted for a different teacher and room. I hope they can mend their rift.

Lil, yeah, creativity and patience are tough to come by when you're rushed in the morning and trying to get to work. I've often wished I could clone myself--one to do the parenting, one to go to work. But more than one of me would scare of lot of people. That's the only thing stopping me.

[colleen]

School phobia or school refusal has become a growing problem in the school system. I taught high school for many years and seldom heard of it at that level until my last two or three years. I had to prepare work folders for several students who were placed on "homebound" schooling due to this problem. Note that this is different from "home schooling" in that the public school system is obliged to provide the work, tests, etc, plus visits from a "homebound" teacher to facilitate the process. A huge expense and an extra burden on classroom teachers, parents, etc. - something to be avoided if at all possible...!

[Tammy]

My eldest (13) often doesn't want to go to school, then calls from the nurse's office when she gets there. It's frustrating!

[Cyberchondriac Mom]

Tammy, your 13-year-old calls from nurse's office? That's super frustrating. Does she claim some sort of ailment? I remember my sister used to have phantom stomach aches when she didn't want to go to school.

Colleen, I had no idea school refusal burdens the school system like that! Why were these kids refusing to go to school? Did they have good reasons, like were they being picked on? Or could they just say, oop, well, just don't wanna go.

[colleen]

Unfortunately, I don't know/remember the details about the students who had the school refusal problem, but I do know they had to have a psychiatrist's diagnosis and recommendation that "homebound" instruction be given. Tammy's problem with her 13-year-old is more common, I think. Middle School is a particularly hard phase for kids as this is where hormonal changes and heightened sensitivity to peers set in, and kids need strong home support to see them through... Usually, by the time high school is reached, though, most of this stuff has settled down and kids have some real understanding of the word Future and the important part Education plays in it.

[topaz]

My question for these school phobic kids getting work brought to them at home is this: What happens when they develop phobias about the workplace? Not everyone can work from home... Maybe we're not helping prepare them for the real world by pandering to this "disorder."

[Cyberchondriacmom]

I totally agree topaz. All the expert recs are for school phobic kids to get right back on the horse and do not pass go, head right for school. As you say, the real world most certainly doesn't cater to people who have a problem with going to work, so we're setting kids up for problems when we enable their school refusal.
OK, stepping off soapbox now.

[penny]

Bridget, I liked your operational tactics with T-Rex - first trying to pinpoint the problem and then talking up all the positives of the school experience. So much smarter than resorting to bribery, a pit many parents fall into (I'll buy you a new toy if you go to school, etc), as that sends the wrong message about school and the pit just gets deeper and deeper...!

[Marcie]

i love how the stuffed animal scratched his butt up!