Hey Yelling People—I’m Standing Right Next to You

10/30/2009

Some people just can't seem to talk without yelling. You know that moment when you switch off the DVD player, and the TV blares at top volume? They're stuck in it.

I had an office across the hall from one of these people once, and I swear I knew more about what was happening in her life than my own.

I'd get the blow-by-blow on troubles with her ex-boyfriend, for example.

"WHAT'S WITH THE NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF HE KEEPS E-MAILING ME??" she'd roar into the phone. "I MEAN REALLY, IT'D BE ONE THING IF HE WERE HOT….WAIT, HOLD ON, GOT A WORK CALL HERE."
[Click]

"YOU FINALLY GOT MY REPLACEMENT CHAIR? 'BOUT TIME. I'M ON THE SEVENTH FLOOR. ACROSS FROM THE QUIET GIRL."
[Click]

"BUT EWWW. I MEAN THERE'S ONE PHOTO WHERE HE'S POSING ON A TRACTOR, AND IT'S LIKE WHAT THE HELL?"

I really don't want to know this. But now I've got this picture stuck in my head. Eww is right.
She hangs up. Apparently, the next call is to her plumber.

"HEY!! WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE TOILET SNAKING??"

Oh for crying out loud. Now I'm covering my ears—though, really, defense is useless. Even if both our doors are shut, it's still like she's barking in my ear. And if I put my earphones on, people sneak up behind me and scare the bejesus out of me.

Turns out there's a name for my former co-worker's malady: Voice Immodulation, as portrayed by comedian Will Ferrell in his role as State Department attaché, Jacob Silj, on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. Click here to watch a clip of his SNL Voice Immodulation segment. In it, Ferrell scolds interviewer Tina Fey for her insensitivity when she complains that he's shouting:

"I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION TINA. I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE PITCH OR VOLUME OF MY VOICE…." he yells. "NUMEROUS PROMINENT AMERICANS SUFFER FROM THIS DEBILITATING DISEASE, TINA, INCLUDING THE GUY WHO PLAYED RAJ ON "WHAT'S HAPPENING" AND TENNIS GREAT PETE SAMPRAS."

I'm not sure about Sampras, but the late Billy Mays, giant of infomercial screaming (OxiClean! Orange Glo!), should definitely be on that list. In fact, all actors in advertisements should be, along with Chris Matthews, Nancy Grace, and kids' show stars Dora the Explorer and all five Backyardigans.

OK, yeah, so Will Ferrell punked us. There is no such thing as Voice Immodulation.

But in all seriousness, I think Ferrell is onto something: There's a whole lot of unnecessary shouting going on. In restaurants, in the workplace, on TV, into cellphones, on the sidewalks and subway trains—and not just by teenage girls.

And what's really triggered my shout-mograph is my four-year-old son T-Rex. I'm pretty sure I'm living with a miniature version of Billy Mays. I love him to bits, but his voice is deafening.

"MOMMY/DADDY I AM THROWING THESE PILLOWS BECAUSE I….BECAUSE THEY'RE IN SPACE AND THEY'RE GOING TO HIT THE EARTH AND BLOW UP. AND. AND I'M GOING TO MAKE A SPACESHIP OUT OF THEM. THEN I WILL CRAWL IN THIS HOLE 'CAUSE I'M A POSSUM. I'M RAJA THE POSSUM. AND I…..I WANT JUICE. MOMMEEE I WANT JUICE. MOMMEEE! MOMMEEE! I WANT JUICE!"

 You can read about what happens to me after several hours of this in my post from last week.

And here's the problem, people: I can't seem to get him to quiet down. No matter how many times I say inside voice, take it down a few notches, settle down, easy tiger, whoa there Tex, and plain old sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh, he keeps up this earsplitting delivery.

 I tried looking for advice on the Web, but there isn't much out there.

The closest thing I could find—and it isn’t close at all, really—is Pragmatic Language Disorder, in which people say the wrong thing at the wrong time with inappropriate voice modulation and body language. I’m not saying T-Rex isn’t capable of this—he’s a kid, after all, and kids do that sort of thing—but it’s not his issue.

(It’s more characteristic of the socially inept adult who says at an intimate Thanksgiving gathering, “You know there’s gelatin in that pecan pie you made, in the marshmallow. That’s animal hooves you know. I don’t EAT that!”)

No, T-Rex has a basic volume problem. And I’m wondering, was I like this as a kid? Surely I was a quiet, sweet angel. I vaguely remember my parents shushing my sister and me now and again, but it couldn’t have been often, right? I’m sure we listened and immediately dialed it down.

Hey, whatever it takes. I’d just like to nip this in the bud while T-Rex is a kid, so that he doesn’t end up with full-blown Voice Immodulation, so that he doesn’t become an office yeller. Not only do I not want him driving everyone else around him to tears, I don’t want him broadcasting intimate details of his personal life to his office-mates. He’ll have the Internet for that.

Comments

[sng]

You might try pretending you "can't hear" T-Rex because his voice is too loud and needs to be softer. Then don't repond till he complies.

[lil]

That coworker of yours who drove you crazy with her phone conversations probably had no idea you could hear everything she said. My beef is with people using in cell phones in public places without making any attempt to keep their conversations private. I recently had to contend with a woman in an airport waiting area whiling away her wait time yacking loudly to someone about nothing at all, it seemed. Her favorite word was "lame" - "Oh, that's so lame," or "I can't believe how lame that is"...etc. It was hard to read a book or a newpaper in the same area.

[topaz]

Lil, I call that Voice Infatuation. Some people just love the sound of their own voices gibbering on about the most inconsequential stuff (the "drama" of their lives), and they fill every available moment with cell phone calls, no matter who's within listening range.

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Lil, you're right. Some folks are just oblivious about how loud and annoying they're being.
Short of telling them to shut it (not exactly polite) how do you get them to quiet down and stop splitting our eardrums?
And yeah, cellphones totally enable the self-important yelling.

[Jomamma]

i totally agree with all of you re: the cell phone syndrome. it's proven that you talk louder on the cell phone than you would if you were having a conversation with another person. i think there needs to be a big push on cell phone etiquette. but back to your child's volume issue. i've noticed at restaurants that there is always a loud table.. a table that doesn't realize how loud they are talking. and, to be honest, i'm often part of that table. my husband has at times told me to talk softer.. and only when he mentions it do i realize that i was talking loud (i come from a loud family). so maybe if you could somehow get your son to realize that he's talking in an embarressingly loud pitch, it will shame him into talking lower?

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Jomamma, cell phone syndrome -- ought to be listed in Merck! I remember when we were kids and would get all overexcited, my dad would put his hands over his ears and wince like he was in extreme pain. Then he'd say, OK, now what were you trying to say?

[carma]

Will Ferrell and the voice immodulation skit -- one of my faves...My mom and I joke because I seriously don't think my dad knows how to whisper. Very embarrassing at times!!

[carma]

Will Ferrell and the voice immodulation skit -- one of my faves...My mom and I joke because I seriously don't think my dad knows how to whisper. Very embarrassing at times!!

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Carma, ha. Speaking of dads, my dad doesn't have so much of a voice immodulation issue as an inappropriate comment issue.
Like at dinner he'll comment on the dog's production of "steaming mounds."
My mother is alway trying to shush him, but it never works.

[grace]

Have you ever noticed that deaf people often speak louder than others? If your son continually speaks in an unusually loud tone, he may have a slight hearing problem. But don't rush him off to the nearest audiologist. Just try some simple "tests" of your own, like snapping your fingers or asking him a question in a soft voice while standing a little way behind him, and see how he reponds... You could try the same "tests" with his twin for comparison's sake.

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Grace, funny you say that because a friend of mine told me that she used to yell when she was a kid and it turned out she had a hearing problem.
Boy will I feel bad about getting on T-Rex's case about his yelling if that turns out to be the case.

If you watch the Will Ferrell video all the through, you'll see at the end he says how hard and embarrassing it was for him in school when they had to sing in kindergarten, "and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now...." Poor Will!

[sng]

I think it's more likely to be a psychological thing with T-Rex than a physical thing. After all, he's got to establish dominance over that twin brother of his, right?!

[Marcie]

lol love it!