Good-Bye to Sex and the City Literacy

09/03/2009

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you’re reminded how out of it you’ve become.

That’s how it was, recently, when I went to lunch with two svelte, single, child-free girlfriends. One of them escorted—more like pulled, I didn’t realize there were stairs—me into a chichi sushi restaurant I’d never heard of, and marched right up to a hostess she appeared to know.

“Don’t YOU look fabulous,” said the hostess, stating the obvious. This girlfriend, who I’ll call GF1, was decked out in a white empire-waist mini-dress with three-inch heels, a matching umbrella, and coiffed, cropped hair.

 

I sidled up, I hoped unnoticed, in my orthopedic Dansko's, khakis, and brown tank smeared with deodorant and milk. The deodorant was a result of my poor aim and chronic inability to remember to apply it after I get dressed.  The milk was from Punk’s morning ritual of testing his bottle’s spray arc.

Once seated, GF1 said she would have the usual, and didn’t bother opening her menu. I, meanwhile, sweated over hundreds of options and babbled about how I’d eat sushi all the time if I could.

Right then, GF2, also spectacularly attired, breezed in. And the conversation proceeded as follows:

GF2:  You know, I’d also eat sushi all the time, except I don’t want to end up like Jeremy Piven.

GF1: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Me:  [Blank]

GF2:  Yeah, we were all set to see Speed-the-Plow on Broadway when he pulled out.

GF1:  Oh please. Like he really got mercury poisoning from sushi. Whatever.

Me: Umm. Who’s Jeremy Piven?

[Pregnant pause]

GF2:  C’mon. You know who Jeremy Piven is.

GF1: [To the rescue] Entourage. From Entourage.

Me: Uh. I don’t watch Entourage.

[Longer pregnant pause]

To help me save face, the girlfriends launched into Piven’s filmography. The Kingdom? Nothing. RocknRolla? Nothing. Grosse Pointe Blanke….from like 1997? Vague flicker of recognition.

OK never mind. The conversation turned to GF1’s recent girls’ trip to South Beach:

GF1: It wasn’t DC, for sure. Our hotel had a topless bar on the roof.

GF2:  Must’ve been lots of plastic at that bar. And not just in the credit cars buying the drinks.

Me:  Blank.

Me:  Is South Beach in Florida or California?

I can’t even describe the looks that comment prompted: a mix of pity and horror.

Look, sorry, but I’m a journalist. I will always ask the stupid question.  Always.  I think people are often amazed at the stupidity of my questions. I’m sure they’re thinking, “For crying out loud. I would never ask that out loud. How embarrassing. I would just go home and Google it.”

 

I just ask the question. I don’t care. I’m not going to sit there and pretend I know something I don’t. If I weren’t a salt-aholic I would ask what that white stuff is.

Still, pre-kids, I was respectably pop-culture savvy—I could quote whole scenes from Sex and the City—so I felt pretty square after that lunch. To test my level of fossilization, I posted a question on Facebook: Am I the only person on the planet who doesn’t know Jeremy Piven got mercury poisoning from ODing on sushi?

Within seconds, I got this response from three different people: “Yep.”

I thanked them for the vote of confidence.

The comments continued, with a co-worker saying I needed to hang out in her office more, and me casually responding that, being a mother of two three-year-olds, I am seriously in need of anti-Teletubbies intel.

Within minutes, there was flurry of responses from parents. Apparently, I am not the only parent suffering brain rot from kids’ programming.

 

The gist of the comments was this: First, no more Teletubbies. Banish them from the house. Do the same with any Barney or Boohbahs. One friend noted that comedian Lewis Black said he went back for a second vasectomy after seeing Boohbahs.

Second, the parents said, get yourself HBO and get yourself some Entourage.

Sheesh. I thought I’d get an outpouring of support—sympathy for being sentenced to watch a barrage of under-five programming and being screamed at to change the channel when feebly attempting to view adult shows. From my three-almost-four-year-olds, the charge is always, “It’s too scareeeeeeeeee!” And it’s hard to argue with that.

But these parents were telling me to take back the television. Trouble is, I have no idea how.
Maybe the parents’ point is that, after the kids go to bed, we should stay up and ram in every possible popular program—Entourage, Mad Men, Weeds, you name it—so we can talk the hip talk as needed.

For me, not gonna happen. The kids exhaust me, so I go to bed right after them. And if I do happen to stay up a bit later, I go for geeky nature and medical shows. Or the Weather Channel. I freakin’ love the Weather Channel.

So, what parents like me need is some sort of pop-culture coach. Or a Web site—a Cliffs Notes on pop culture for parents of small children. I, for one, would be on there all the time, orthopedic shoes propped up on my desk.

Comments

[lil]

The Weather Channel?! AKA Old Folks' MYV?! Uh oh, cybermom, you need some serious shaping up!

[lil]

Oops! That was meant to be MTV...

[penny]

I couldn't disagree more with Lil. I mean, no one should feel pressured to keep up with pop cult junk. We're not all a bunch of teenyboppers in high school or even twenty-boppers in 3-inch heels guaranteed to maim the feet. Stick to your foot-friendly Danskins, your Weather Channel and your health and nature shows, and enjoy the phase of life you're in - young motherhood with all its joys and challenges...!

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Not to get defensive, but I think people underestimate just how cool the Weather Channel is. For one thing, you have Jim Cantore. Who could make the weather more exciting than this guy? He practically gets washed away by storm surge every time there's a hurricane, broadcasting live through the whole thing. Then there are shows like Storm Stories, It Could Happen Tomorrow (excellent weather disaster stuff). And on top of all that, your local forecast every eight minutes! Just can't beat it.

[Marcie]

I didn't know about the Mercury poisoning, but I was too tired (being a new mom and all!) to back you up on facebook. that will never happen again; i will have your facebook back from now on!

I borrowed the first few seasons of Entourage from a friend last year, and it was entertaining, but I'm glad I'm not paying HBO to watch it.

[perk]

Time was that TV shows provided a shared culture. EVERYONE watched Dallas and EVERYONE talked about who might have shot JR one entire summer probably (OK, I'm dating myself)... There were 3 networks and a PBS channel and that was about it. Now there are hundreds of channels and choices and I'm amazed that anyone can have a conversation about what they watched the night before... But the Q I'd like to ask TV producers is: Does ANYONE watch those tedious, fake, mindless "reality shows"?

[Cyberchondriacmom]

To perk -- thing is, reality shows are wildly popular. Huge viewership and therefore lots of ads to be sold. Just the other night I was trying to find nature shows for the kids to watch (the good old learning kind, you know like Mutual of Omaha National Geo ones or remember the David Attenborough wildlife specials--now I'm dating myself). I know my kids would love the one where he's standing on a volcano watching it erupt, for instance.
But all I could find was there those when good pets go bad, Fangs, Claws, Blood, Kill, type shows.
Too bad.

[Kelly]

I don't have any 20 something girlfriends with no kids...I have an 18 year-old daughter and her friends, a 2 year-old, and no friends. The no friends is not on purpose. I also have an 11 year-old with Aspberger's (low spectrum autism). So, the only television I watch is Disney channel or Nickelodeon! You can imagine how stupid I feel when my daughter's 18 year old friends start talking about MTV or The Hill's how out of touch I feel. I am only left with Disney and Nickelodeon as the Animal channel is too scaaaaarrrreeee!!!!So, Cyberchodriacmom don't you feel so bad! There are other people in your corner!!!

[Kelly]

I forgot to ad to the previous post that I still have no idea who Jeremy from Entourage is!

[Julita Keys Rogers]

"Primetime in No time" @ yahoo.com Is funny and a quick catch for moms who r in bed at "primetime"

[Tere]

Who cares about the pop culture prompts.... Life is about You and your relationship with your family. Sure pop culture is fun. But sometimes we just can't get all of it. It's only there for those who are bored and have no other insight in life but to follow others... and be controlled by media. YOUR job as a Mother is the most important JOB in the history of mankind.... What a great article... My kids, 16, 14 and 2 - - my occasional kids (2 steps)are 12 and 9.... I was always a career woman, wanted one child, ended up here and loving it!! Create your own pop culture and supply your children with all your wisdom and love...

[Toni]

And P.S. I absolutely LOVE that my hubby's the same way about tv shows. I don't think I could handle being married to some football-watching couch potato. (Anyone besides us excited for The Girl Who Cried Blood on Nat. Geo this month???)

[Toni]

I dunno what happened to my first comment, but I stated that I'm a 28 year old mom and I don't give a rat's patootie that I don't know (or care to know) anything about popular tv or celebrities. I allow the kid an hour of tv a day, so it's not like I'm being bombarded with Dora and Spongebob 24/7. We just happen to prefer Mythbusters or History's Mysteries to "Cop Drama # 4079" or any of those vapid, brain-rotting "reality" shows. My brain deserves the best.

[gwen]

i love that about you! you ask those questions and so what? i swear you are not missing out on anything, just trust me on this.