What the Heck is a Helicopter Parent Anyway?

06/17/2009

First there were stage moms, then deadbeat dads, then soccer moms. And now we have "helicopter parents," who I at first thought were lazy parents. I figured this was yet another parental-guilt movement, suggesting that helicopter parents are those who ignore their kids unless forced to swoop in and zap a problem, Rescue 911 style.

I had to find out, so I looked it up. Turns out it’s the exact opposite of what I thought: A helicopter parent is someone who can’t let kids figure things out for themselves.

These are parents who literally hover over kids, blades whirring, directing their every move via megaphone. And, according to umpteen news reports, they are perpetuating codependency, enabled by cell-phone calls,  instant messaging, e-mail, and other 24/7 technologies.

It starts with obsessing about getting your kids into the right preschool programs and grade schools, and, the theory goes, becomes a slippery slope to constant calling and texting to check that they’ve shown up for the right class at the right time, turned in their homework, and  landed the top score on their math test.

These parents circle over teachers and school administrators as well. They relentlessly e-mail and call the authorities when their children get sub-par grades or don’t make advanced-placement classes. Some schools are caving: St. Olaf College, for example, introduced a “Hi Mom” webcam. But other schools are pushing back, with teachers setting boundaries regarding when and about what they can be reached.

The question I have is this: Who is setting boundaries on children’s behalf?

I fully agree that children need their parents to care for them, teach them, support them, and encourage them. But, especially as kids get older, they need to start testing things out for themselves. Or, to put it another way that most parents don’t want to hear (myself included), children need to start making mistakes.

I know that for me, it’s taken total mess-ups to get me motivated. I’m thinking specifically of 10th and 11th grade algebra and chemistry. I’d done well academically to that point, but absolutely bombed those courses because I just didn’t see the point (how would I ever use k3 + 4k2 + 4k = -1k3 + 10k or moles CO2 = 454 g x 1 mol/44.01 g = 10.3 moles in my daily life?). As a result, I was close to blowing my college chances, which my parents pointed out. It was then that I decided to change my ways and study -- because I understood that it was up to me to determine my future.

But what if a helicopter parent does all that work for you? If they’re finishing your homework for you, calling the teacher to hike your grade, perhaps even texting answers on the test, how are you going to learn what you need to do to make the grade?

There's got to be a better parenting mode: Jeep parenting maybe? Sounds more adventurous, but no. Too many carbon emissions. And it could promote even closer kid tracking. I think a better model is “pedestrian” parenting. By this I mean that, instead of hovering, you’re always walking a few steps behind your children,  ready to help pick them up if they fall, being available if they call for you, and—if you see them faltering—suggesting (but not dictating) which routes to take.

And this brings me to the crux, well several cruxes, of my anti-helicopter-parent rant:

 

• We learn from our children, sometimes much as they do from us. Boys, in particular, are apt to teach their parents about enjoying life and working smart, rather than hard, according to a recent psychological study by Dutch researcher Annette Roest. And, more generally, because our children’s personalities are so different—my three-year-old boys’ Oscar-and-Felix dynamic  is proof—they teach us that different people need different things from life.

• Controlling others is never a good thing. As a former editor of a psychology magazine, I can attest that a  recurrent research theme is the need for people to take control of their own lives; letting others take control is a recipe for depression, substance abuse, and (ugh) possibly 30-year-olds moving back in with their parents.

• It’s not, and shouldn’t be, all on parents to raise our children. I don’t mean to dredge up Hillary Clinton’s “It Takes a Village” here, but I do believe that raising children is more successful when a community gets involved. There are times, here in the city, when passers-by cast disapproving looks as one of my three-year-old twins darts off street-ward. Boy could we use their help, instead of their raised eyebrow.

 And boy would there be less likelihood of helicopter parenting if other adults pitched in. Because when it comes down to raising the future generation, aren’t we all in this together?

Comments

[mwgs]

I love your blogs, esp this one, b/c it was so infirmative. I had no idea about helicopter parenting, but it sounds deplorable. The jeep parenting was a witty suggestion. I mean, what are these kids gonna do whan they go off to college and don't have their folks....seems like a recipe for falling off the deep end to me. Life is stressful enough, we need our kids to fight some of their own battles (within reason) so they can build the confidence they need to face this difficult world. thanks for your blog!!

[Kate]

My teacher husband encountered helicopters several years back at his private school. They were the kind that questioned grades frequently, and wanted to know what he was doing to make sure Johnny passed. Gads. Now, as a camp counselor at another tony prep school, he sees a few moms show up for camp lunch with their awkward 8 year olds. The extremes are what's so painful for educators. Now he teaches kids at the total other end of the spectrum - the ones that have minimal parent interest. Pedestrian parenting is sobering, and a real need if this society of ours is going to produce capable, culpable kids.

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Great comments. I realize there are two sides to this equation, and I am certainly more on one side than the other. But I think an excellent representation of both sides, and of the context surrounding the whole helicopter parent versus "free range parenting" (the more "giving them autonomy" point of view) debate is laid out in this post by TLC blogger Joelle Klein: http://blogs.discovery.com/tlc_slice_of_life/2009/06/whats-your-parenting-style.html

[penny]

I think there's a fine line between being an interfering, over-directing, pushy, hovering parent and being an interested, supportive, caring parent. And I think your blog is a nice reminder for us parents to check ourselves once in a while to see that we stay on the interested/supportive/caring side of the scale - or the consequences you spell out so clearly could result. (BTW I couldn't access the site you mentioned above.)

[Jomamma]

This is a hilarious and informative rant on the helicopter parenting. I like what Penny wrote about the fine line between being an interfeing parent and a concerned supportive one, and how it's good to try to keep yourself in check. I appreciate that my parents were very involved in my life. In some ways I wish sometimes they would've been more so (push me to do better academically) and some ways I wish less so (always judging my friends). But in the end, I think it's better to be too involved than not enough involved. So how about bicycle parenting?

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Sharp comments here. I think it's true that a lot of this comes down to spin and semantics and fine lines between good parenting and over parenting.

For more on the helicopter parenting take, see this New York Times blog: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/04/in-defense-of-helicopter-parents/

For more on the free-range parenting take, see this Newsweek piece:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/196023

[colleen]

Kate's right about the painful extremes educators encounter. As a recently retired teacher, I was well acquainted with the "helocopter" parent type; they're the ones who called or emailed as soon as Johnny's grades dropped and tried to blame it on something I did or did not do, taking an annoying chunk out of my day, and forgetting that I had around 150 other students in my teaching load... Then there were the "interested" ones who turned up on parent-teacher nights and gained valuable contact with their kids' teachers. Our first parent-teacher night each year was set up so that parents followed their kids'schedules in a mini-replica of their day; teachers gave a 10-minute synopsis of their curricula and classroom/homework policies, so that parents knew from the getgo what to expect. After that they could call the school to make appointments with individual teachers on parent-teacher nights to discuss Johnny's progress or lack of it, etc. These were the parents who might ask "Do you have any suggestions on how we can get him to do his homework?" or "Does he seem to have any friends in the class?" And usually the meetings went well. Unfortunately, there was also a third group that we never heard from - they seemed "negligent" to me and usually the kids' attitudes and performance were less than optimal. I took to calling them myself in later years (when I could find the time) to try and preempt a failing grade or two, but usually without much luck. Some of these were just too-busy parents who just didn't know how badly their kids were doing, but others were just not tuned in to their kids' needs for whatever reason. So I guess the conclusion is that the helicopter group is preferable to this last group, but there is a happy medium!

[SNG]

I fear too many parents (I plead guilty too!) are focused on helping their kids "succeed" - at math, violin, basketball, etc. - but are not paying much attention to helping them become caring, responsible citizens, interested in the world around them and its preservation.

[Elle]

My SIL is a helicopter parent. Her two sons (9 and 10) are stuck to her like velcro. I feel bad for them when they see their cousin (my son)doing things they wish they had the freedom to do. She will not even let us take them places with my husband, son, and I! I know when they become adults they aren't going to know how to cope in this world!

[penny]

Have just read a report on comcast.net about a mom who abused her position as secretary at the Huntingdon Area High School in PA to alter her daughter's grades and scores so the girl would rank higher in her graduating class. Just shows you the depths to which some of these "helicopters" will sink!