How to Talk ‘Boy’: Lessons from Calvin and Hobbes

06/03/2009

Why won’t my three-year old listen? I realize this is not an unusual question for parents, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it comes up more with boys.

Because I have two of them (age 3), the question pops up all day long. Take this past Sunday: We step out the door for a walk to the park, and Punk takes off running down the block.

“Stooooooooooooooooooooooop!” I screech at him, but he just keeps running. And running, and running. And I keep yelling, louder and louder, all the while attempting to grab T-Rex, who is swinging from a neighbor’s bush in an effort to snag a rose. It’s only when my screeches approach Banshee-crazy that Punk halts at the curb, inches away from speeding cars  – then flashes me a Brad Pitt  smile.

After the park, we head to the local coffeehouse for some cake and chocolate milk. I seat them at a table and am buying the goods, when I see Punk lunging for the flower vase (roses again), and tipping it upside down.

“PUNK, NO!,” I holler. He keeps turning it over, watching me with a mischievous half smile. “No no no no NO!” Too late. There’s water all over the floor.

When I ask my husband about stuff like this, he just says, “Rea d Calvin and Hobbes. I mean, Calvin is five or six…but that’s about the only difference.”

I do as I’m told, and am duly enlightened about what it takes to get through to a small boy. Example:  In one strip, Calvin is scowling at a plate of food, refusing to eat “this green stuff. Yecchh!“

“Good idea Calvin,” says his dad. “It’s a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it.” On hearing this, Calvin scarfs the green stuff in seconds, prompting his mom to say, “There has GOT to be a better way to make him eat!”

Calvin’s dad just gives her a blank stare.

Ha! So that’s it. You have to actually think like a small boy. Who knew? Now that I finally do, I figure this is how my husband probably would have handled the Punk runaway situation: “Hey Punk, you better STOP if you wanna see the SEWER MONSTER!”

Punk would no doubt have stopped instantly. He is crazy about sewer grates. One of his favorite activities is pressing his face to the grate, butt in the air, gazing rapt into the murky brown waters below. (It’s always interesting to see the looks on pedestrians’ faces as they pass him doing this.)

Problem is, well, I’m an adult woman. Thinking and talking like a small boy doesn’t exactly come naturally to me. I strongly suspect the same is true for other moms.

Still, I decided to give it a shot this morning, when Punk got resistant during the daycare drop-off. Parents are required to take their kids to the bathroom before class, but right now, Punk straight-up refuses to go. I try everything—pleading, running after him, getting tough, sitting at his level and asking. Nothing works.

I rack my brain for possible boy motivators. As I chase him past the infant room, I try, “Hey Punk. Don’t you want to make a pee-pee WATERFALL?” He slows, then stops, considering. “Waterfall?” he says thoughtfully. “Yes, yes, waterfall!” I hold my breath. “Oh yes,” says Punk. “I make pee-pee waterfall.” And he does.

Of course, then he refuses to put on his underwear. So I chase my bottomless son around the classroom with a stack of underwear options, reading them off: “Buzz Lightyear!  Elmo! Roary the Racing Car!”  No luck. That’s when I switch to boy mode. I hold up the Thomas the Train pair, dancing and singing the Thomas the Train theme song. (There are giggles from the day-care staff.) Who cares—it works! “Oh yeah,” says Punk. “I like those underwear.”

But moms and dads don’t always have time to be creative. We need reliable tools for those moments when we’re hurtling through a busy day, and just need our kids to cooperate. I’m thinking of when we’re running five minutes late, and the kid refuses to put on his shoes.

What to do? Here’s what the experts recommend (for a comprehensive guide, see http://health.discovery.com/centers/kids/childrearingtips/discipline_06.html):

• Turn off the television.
• Have a one-to-one talk, explaining why you need him to listen.
• Provide choices—three different pairs of shoes to choose from, for instance. Or you might explain that he needs to put his shoes on before going outside and can do it now or five minutes from now.
• Offer a reward (like he can take his favorite toy in the car with him).
• If nothing else works, try a time out after counting to three.

Perhaps most important, say the experts, is thanking your child when he listens—it’s positive reinforcement.  But if you have the time and capacity for warped thinking, I recommend talking “boy,” like Calvin’s mom learned to do in Calvin and Hobbes. Case in point: In one strip Calvin complains that his mother’s cooking smells like someone got sick in the furnace duct. She tells him she’s made stewed monkey brains. Bingo! He gobbles it down with gusto.

Comments

[SNG]

Bridget, I think you may be onto something. I remember how my little brother refused to eat fish till my mother told him she was serving tiger fish - "the fiercest fish in the ocean." It was plain old flounder but he ate all of it from that day forth! (I don't think my mother had ever read Calvin and Hobbes, but she was getting the general idea...!)

[MW]

omg, I'm laughing out loud. Your kids sound hilarious (I know, it's because they're not mine). What a great story, and what great advice. :o)

[megs]

your hubby was right on with the calvin and hobbes thing...I can think of some other cartoons that have that similar "wisdom"...boyspeak really is it's own language isn't it? I think you've got something there.

[Fiona]

My question is whether this advice also applies to husbands -- really just big boys right? The time-out option sounds especially appealing. Hmmm.

[gigi]

He'd be heading for a long time-out, I would imagine... An excellent book on early child discipline, called One Two Three, Magic (I don't market it or own shares btw), a child should be given the same number of minutes time-out as he/she is years old. So if your husband is 40, for instance, he'd better have a good book!

[penny]

I wonder if dads have the same kind of difficulty communicating with their little daughters (?). Maybe their inablilty (or unwillingness) to enter the world of Barbies, ballet, beads, etc. makes for an early disconnect that may be hard to fix in later years...

[Cyberchondriacmom]

Some good Qs raised here -- We've definitely got semi-comparable boy cartoons -- Dennis the Menace and Charlie Brown, for eg. But nothing with little girls. So where's a dad going to learn girl-talk?

[grace]

My observations lead me to believe that some dads are making a nice effort with their little girls - at least the ones I've seen recently. But rather than getting into the Barbie scene, they're taking their daughters fishing, coaching the daughters' soccer teams, and playing board/video games with them. That kind of thing probably gives them quite a bit of material for communication!

[AllensFoxxyMamma]

You know that none of this works in the real world right? Its cute though. Real cute. Your boys sound adorable. I have an 8 year old and I am still going through it to an extent. I just thought I would share that since folks did me the same way when my little Angel was 2 or 3 I would ask how long the "terrible twos" last and they would say things like "til sixteen" or "til twenty-three"...you know as a fellow mommy I would feel like I have done you a disservice if I didnt do that.

Have a good one. Great blog. I'll be back if I can remember...Kids zap your memory too. Good luck.

[AllensFoxxyMamma]

Oh yeah...just perusing the comments.. tell the daddies to buy feather boa's in every color and whenever he sees his little princess give her one. That or pretend mommy stuff like purses, a comb and brush. Dresses...lots of dresses. Better yet a shopping spree! Someone call my dad Im getting really excited.

When I ask he always reminds me that im 40.