Stupid is as stupid does when it comes to crime

July 01, 2009

While perusing police reports and court documents this month, I noticed that there were an exorbitant number of cases that involved – for lack of a better word - stupid criminals. Perhaps the economy or maybe even the summer sun is responsible for the uptick? Whatever the case may be, I have gone through the files and picked a few of the best "alleged" stupid criminals of the summer (thus far anyway).

Hartford, Conn. – Mayor Eddie Perez has taken a strong stance on the value of education (we won't mention his recent arrest warrant for bribery and fabricating evidence) and providing opportunities to Hartford's young people. He is, after all, chairman of the board of education. While Mayor Perez seems to have a unique insight into the problems surrounding the city's education system, I am not quite sure he envisioned that a local school administrator would take it upon herself to head up an undercover drug sting.

According to police, a middle-school principal and a school security officer recently suspected that a student was dealing drugs on campus. Rather than allow police to handle the case, the two "adults" came up with their own plan. They allegedly approached another student, who was facing detention for an unrelated offense, and told him that he could get out of it if he bought drugs from the suspected dope pusher. The principal even provided the kid with the cash he would need to seal the deal.

The sting blew up in the teacher's face when the boy bought the drugs on his own. The amateur sting was subsequently uncovered, and both adults were charged with risk of injury to a minor and lying to police about the plot.

Looks like users aren't the only losers at that middle school.

Sugar Township, Ohio – On June 9, police arrested a man for allegedly harassing people along Little Miami River. While the charge itself is not all that spectacular, the fact that the "man" was wearing a woman's bathing suit did raise at least one eyebrow.

According to eyewitnesses, the man, a 41-year-old resident of Washington Mill Road, exposed himself on several occasions and chased several people. When police took the man into custody, he was wearing a green one-piece bathing suit, white socks and hiking boots. Officers said he had stuffed several other bathing suits into his bra.

"Harassing people and being indecent, that's a little much," local resident James McNamee said in an interview with whiotv.com. "But if you're wearing a bathing suit, oh well, just keep it to yourself like everyone else."

As a result of his bizarre antics, the cross-dressing swimsuit model was charged with five counts of public indecency and three counts of menacing. He was then placed in the county jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. He has since plead not guilty to the crimes.

Given the nature of the suspect's alleged crimes, one must wonder whether jail is the right facility for him.

Gardiner, Maine – On June 13, investigators went to the scene of a reported robbery that occurred on Highland Avenue. According to the 58-year-old female victim, she was walking down the street about 10:30 a.m. when a man ran up to her and grabbed her purse, pushing her to the ground as he fled the scene.

These types of crimes can often prove difficult to solve; however, in this particular case, no Dick Tracy wannabe was required, as the suspect left behind two telltale signs.

Apparently, in his attempt to grab some gone, one of the perp's sandals flew off his foot and his wallet fell out of his pocket.  Police were able to identify the alleged goon, who was arrested and locked up less than an hour later.

"We were able to recover, if not all, than most of her money and her purse," Gardiner police chief James Toman told the Kennebec Journal, adding, "Stupid criminals make our jobs easier."

Perhaps the suspect should find a new line of work that does not combine robbery and running.

Kansas City, Mo. – On the same day that Maine police were busy searching for their stumbling/fumbling robber, police in Kansas City police were opening their own investigation into a stolen ambulance.

The incident occurred outside the local research medical center, where a crew was dropping off a patient they had just transported. The transition from the ambulance to the emergency department went off without a hitch; however, when the crew went outside to leave, their ride was nowhere to be found. Nonetheless, the tech-savvy drivers had a trick up their sleeve that the crook had probably not thought of – GPS tracking.

As is the norm today, most emergency vehicles are equipped with tracking devices so that dispatchers can quickly determine the crew's location at any given time. The technology was intended to help save lives -- the fringe benefits of which can also include the quick capture of would-be thieves.

"We were tracking the vehicle. So, that's a nice added feature being able to find addresses to emergency calls, but we can also find our ambulance when it's inadvertently stolen," Aaron Howell, deputy chief of operations for Metropolitan Ambulance Services Trust, said in an interview with Fox News.

It did not take long for cops to locate the vehicle, and a hot pursuit soon ensued. Unfortunately for the driver, the bulky vehicle proved to make for a lousy getaway vehicle and he ended up crashing near Winner Road. The ambulance suffered about $125,000 in damages, so a second ambulance had to be dispatched to the scene to transport the 41-year-old suspect to the hospital. Go figure. He has since been charged with tampering with a motor vehicle.

Yonkers, N.Y. – On June 17, police were called to the scene of a break-in at the New China Restaurant on Yonkers Avenue. When detectives arrived on the scene, they spoke with the owner of the business, who informed them that he had witnessed a man climbing out a window in the back of his building.

When the police gumshoes looked over the scene, they discovered that in his haste to flee, the bumbling burglar had dropped his cell phone. Scrolling through the numbers in the address book, one of the cops took note of an entry that read, "Mom's number." The find proved too tempting to ignore, so the officer called the suspect's mom and told her he had found her son's phone and wanted to return it. Doing what any good mother would, she promptly offered up her son's address and home phone number.

The information obtained by police led them directly to the alleged perp, who was taken into custody. He has since been charged with third-degree burglary.

I wonder if "Mom" was the one call he made from the police lockup?

Melbourne, Fla. – On June 19, police dispatchers received a surprising 911 call from a man who reported that a drug dealer had ripped him off.  

According to the caller, he had approached a dealer and requested 2 ounces of marijuana; however when he took out his money, roughly $550 in cash, the dealer brandished a .380-caliber handgun. The dealer then took the loot and drove off in his car with the drugs and the cash.

"It does happen," Cmdr. Marc Claycomb, spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, was quoted by UPI News Service. "More often than not, [the victims] don't [call]."

The suspected robber was pulled over shortly after the 911 call and taken into custody. He reportedly told the officers he "didn't think a guy buying drugs would call the cops."

The alleged robber was charged with robbery with a firearm and possession of more than 20 grams of cannabis. Investigators have not yet determined if they will charge the victim; however they did seize the money he gave to the drug dealer. Looks like it was a lose-lose all the way around.

I've saved perhaps the best for last.

Tacoma, Wash. – According to police in Tacoma, they recently arrested a 23-year-old man and an 18-year-old woman for malicious mischief and second-degree assault, all resulting from a very bizarre game they were playing.

The couple, who were arrested on top of a railroad trestle above a highway interstate, allegedly took turns throwing rocks onto vehicles traveling in the southbound lane. Per the rules of their "game," each of them had to shed a layer of clothing for every headlight they managed to break.

All totaled, some 14 vehicles were damaged and at least one person received minor injuries. When police arrived on the scene, the female suspect was reportedly down to her underwear. Both suspects were taken into custody and jailed for investigation of malicious mischief and second-degree assault.

As the saying goes, "You don't have to be smart to be a criminal." Let's just hope that each of these suspects will take that lesson to heart and devote their efforts to more legal ventures. If not, they may very well find themselves the subject of another stupid criminal crime blog.

Photo Credits: Hulton Archive/Getty Images; General Photographic Agency/Getty Images

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Comments

[Sheila]

Funny, David. Thanks for the light humor. Nice to break it up. Crime stories can get pretty intense. Really enjoy your blog.

[Joe]

Wow. The human potential for stupidity never, ever ceases to amaze me. But it also makes for some really entertaining reading. Thanks!

[ow]

nice article!

[May]

They need to look at the husband more closely.

[Tezi]

There are some real "bright" bulbs out there!

Thanks David!