83-Year-Old "Greeter" Robs Walmart Store

March 08, 2011

It's true that George Plane Jr. robbed the very same Walmart store that employed him as a greeter. And sure, that seems kind of dumb on the face of it. But it's not like he didn't take precautions to avoid capture. He DID go out to his car to get a disguise first.

(Above, see our crack design department's completely imagined rendition of what that disguise might have been, since authorities gave no details.)

The caper took a serious turn, however, when Plane put a gun to the head of a fellow employee, demanded money from a cash register and fired a shot into the air after leaving with the cash.

Witnesses pointed officers in the direction of Plane's vehicle, and he was arrested later that day.

The money was returned, and the (we're assuming) ex-Walmart greeter was placed in the Iredell County Detention Center in North Carolina under a $75,000 bond.

Even allowing for this event, we believe that senior citizen Walmart greeters represent a miniscule percentage of the total crime statistics in the U.S.

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Man Charged With “Terrorism by Mice”

March 03, 2011

In suburban Philadelphia the competition among pizza parlors is like a rat race.

And Nickolas Galiatsatos, owner of Nina's Bella Pizzeria -- perhaps lost in a maze of competitive fervor -- thought he knew a way to be the big cheese on the block.

He decided to plant mice in the establishments of two of his biggest competitors.

Mr. Galiatsatos crept into enemy territory with mouse-like silence. Well, actually he just walked in and casually asked to use the rest room. There he opened what police described as “a bag of live mice.”

Check out this surveillance footage of The Great Rodent Release, with narration by one of the victims.

Upper Darby police Superintendent Michael Chitwood called it “terrorism by mice.” He went on to point out the unique nature of the offense: “I’ve never had to deal with mice as an instrument of crime before, but mice multiply. They spread disease. This really could have caused a lot of damage.”

Galiatsatos is charged with cruelty to animals, criminal mischief, harassment and disorderly conduct.

In a related development, stories of pizza coupons offering “unlimited droppings” are untrue, and obviously the smarty-pants work of local wisenheimers.

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Hungry Woman Unleashes Thin-Mint Beat Down

March 02, 2011

A Girl Scout is pure, honorable and true.

A Girl Scout cookie is just plain delicious.

With that in mind, maybe it's easy to understand what motivated a 31-year-old Florida woman to chase and attack her roommate with a deadly weapon.

It all started with Hersha C. Howard's planned late night snack -- Thin-Mints. We've all gotten our taste buds ready for a certain stimulation, only to be disappointed when it's not available.

So it's easy to imagine the rage that resulted from the sight of that empty cookie sleeve.

Wild with the munchies, Hersha hustled into her roommate's bedroom, woke her up and demanded to know the location of the kidnapped cookies. The still sleepy woman explained that she had given the treats to Howard's children, yet offered to pay more than twice what the cookies were worth, just the same.

But the wannabe snacker obviously heard only the “no cookies” part.

Ms Howard reportedly picked up a pair of scissors and chased her roommate toward the stairs. As she ran down the stairs, she dropped the scissors and picked up a board, hitting the victim with the board. Finally, as the woman managed to escape the house, Hersha chased after her with a sign she found.

Eventually, police managed to arrest Howard and charge her with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

We can only pray that the Naples, Florida jail serves Thin-Mints as the dessert portion of inmate meals.

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