When I Went Topless

September 24, 2009

Recently I was reading the daily U.S. internet headlines and what to my wondering eyes should appear but this: More women going from jobless to topless. 

Which reminded me of the day I went topless for the public, too. 

I was standing in a busy hallway at Massachusetts General Hospital in my home country, the United States. It was a cool spring morning and I was heading upstairs to have a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. 

As you can imagine, I was an emotional mess. My family was around me and everyone was doing their best to help me out by making small talk and holding my hand but honestly I just felt like my brain was being sucked into a fear vacuum that whose power switch was stuck "on". 

So I'm standing there, wrapped in this thin jonney thingy, awaiting the elevators, and they were taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R. When you're waiting in line for someone to come remove your breasts, the waiting is beyond hard: it's mind-numbing. 

And as I'm standing there, my mind is racing, and I'm starting to cave inside. Maybe I should just leave? What if I don't get on the machine and I just walk home, will this breast cancer young-mother-this-can't-be-happening-to-me all go away? What is my 1-year-old daughter doing right now with her caregiver, and is my son doing alright (at 4 almost-5-years-old, he knows what's going on..)

And then something hit me and it was hard: I'll abbreviate it here but it was something like "OMG Ann snap out of it, this is YOUR LIFE. You can not give in! You must fight!" 

And so I forced myself to think of something else. ANYTHING else; and as I stood there I looked down at my chest, and how thin this jonney was around my breasts, my breasts that I am losing, how can this be happening. And wouldn't it be a happening if this tiny hospital jacket I have on with its threadbare tie-up came all undone and then there I'd be, flashing this hallway. And that WOULD be something--since in about 20 minutes they'll be taking them away forever and I'll have no chance to ever give the world a show that this catholic-school-girl wouldn't in a million years EVER consider doing anyway but.... 

And then it hit me. OMG. This is my last flashing chance.

I mean, I never was a "bad girl" and I never wanted to be one, but dang--in about half an hour I don't even have the option anymore. HOLD UP HERE!

So the rest is kind of a blur at least for me, and it's in my film, but for the sake of this blog this is what you need to know: I released my inhibitions AND the ties from that jonney and I let my boobs fly! 

Me, the Catholic school girl, flashing the hallway at one of the busiest hospitals on the eastern seaboard. What happened to me?!

I'll tell you what happened, I laughed. REALLY hard. And so did my family. And so did the old man stranger who, wrapped in his own jonney, was awaiting an elevator, too. His eyes went wide and he smiled and looked over at me and he warbled, "do my eyes deceive me?" I think I apologized to him for the non-medical display but I like I said, I was laughing so hard...

And then the elevator doors opened up and took me to the surgery floor where my life and my body changed forever. 

Now these women in this article, whom I am fortunate to not have much in common with regarding the financial end of their stripping, and I do share one thing: we were all in a really bad way. Mine was medical, theirs is financial. The bad economy In the United States has played them for fools and now they must fight back with whatever cards they hold, or whatever body parts they can flash. 

I sure hope they rake in the dough safely and without hurting themselves or anyone else, until such a time as this economy settles down and they have better employment choices. I hope they get the last laugh--with whatever money they need to get by--and then I hope they can go on to make professional choices beyond the strip pole, and get whatever it is they need in order to survive and live their lives they way they've hoped and dreamed. 

I on the other hand would be stuck in a poor house if flashing my breasts were the only way I could make money these days. And it isn't, so I'm good, but there are times, like that morning I waited for that elevator to take me to surgery, that I felt cancer was a cruel joke being played on me. And then I flashed my breasts to the world, and I got the laugh I needed to go on and make the choices I needed to make that day, and many other days that followed it, work. I want to survive and live a life the way I always hoped and dreamed, too. 

I wish for all of us--me and the strippers--the best of luck with our crises, and the very last laugh.

Comments

[Tania P]

Wow! What an inspiring story! I can only imagine the laughter in that hallway and how that must have helped begin your healing journey!

As I began reading the comments below your story, tears welled up in my eyes. You have really made a difference in the world (an accomplishment for which we all strive)! What an amazing example for me to set for my own children.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Ann. God will continue to pour out his blessings on you... Luke 6:38 (NASB). You are truly a beautiful person! =)

[Chris de Roulet]

Ann,

I saw your picture and thought to myself...she's got that "smart beauty" look. Smart is sexy. Then I read your article. I'm certain your breasts were beautiful...but eclipsed by the beautiful person that made you flash them! Trite but true...beauty is skin-deep, but beautiful goes to the bone. I love your spirit. That really is what makes you beautiful. Thanks for sharing something that must have been painful for you, but undoubtedly gave so many others comfort. Now THAT's beautiful!

[Pat]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Your story made my day. I am the father of 5 very strong and wonderful girls. They are all unique in their attitudes and outlook on life, and each of them would respond to you story with a big hearty "Atta girl!!" Our youngest had
an ovarian mass (cancer 10cm x 10 cm)
when she was 14, and her attitude was very similar to yours. She named it "her tumor" up until the day it was removed.She is now 27 and as strong as ever. People like you and her are inspirations to all of us. God bless you!!

[jeanette m]

beautiful story. I loved it. Ann you are an inspiration to other women.

[Gardoglee]

Bravery comes to each of us in different ways. You deserve a medal. The life you have is the medal you got. Many congratulations.

[April]

I think you are AMAZING!!!! What a story! I laughed and cried. Good luck with everything. BE STRONG! You are wonderrful.

[Sandi]

Brillant......What a way to humor a stressful situation.

[Gina Leuth]

That is awesome! What a great way to close a chapter of life and open a new one. Accolaides to this brave lady!

[Peter B]

You're beautiful! Great story I hope this helps a lot of women in trying times.